Dear Baby, Today I failed you.

It has been over six months now since you came into my world and lit up my life, however today has been one of the toughest days I have known and I have failed you.

I didn’t want to go out this afternoon because I knew you hadn’t slept and I just didn’t want to put you through it. But we went out anyway. You were so sad and you wouldn’t stop crying. You wouldn’t sleep. It’s all so unlike you. We should have gone home and tried to give you comfort somehow. But I failed you. We stayed an extra half an hour thinking you would be fine after a sleep in the car. But you didn’t sleep. And you weren’t fine. And so I failed you.

I have failed you because you’re teething. I know this is nature doing its thing and that it has nothing to do with me, but it is breaking my heart to see how much it is hurting you. And although I have so desperately tried, I cannot take that horrible pain away.

I have failed you because my hugs, my kisses, and my lullaby’s cannot seem to provide the comfort that you so desperately seek, and so I feel utterly useless. I thought that becoming a mother would give me the magic ability to sooth my child. To lessen their pain and fear just by being there and giving them my strength.

But I am not strong and it is breaking my heart. I can’t even manage to smile today, so I have failed you.

My sweet baby, you’re so tired that you fell asleep in my arms before just briefly and you NEVER fall asleep in my arms. You were so exhausted and yes you fell asleep in my arms, but you were whimpering as you slept. Your sweet beautiful face usually so happy would crumple up in pain and you would cry out, and I couldn’t dispel your torment. I couldn’t ease your pain. I have failed you.

Oh my angel, I would give anything to know how to help you today. I would give anything to take this pain away and to make you feel happy again. I want my sunshiny happy boy back. Your joy is mine, and I don’t know what to do without it.

But dear baby, tonight I am a fool who is broken.

I feel like a failure because I am selfishly dreading going to bed for the night since I know that I will get no sleep. I am dreading hearing you cry out because I know that I can’t fix you. I am dreading waking up again tomorrow because I know that we will go through it all again.

Picking you up, rocking you, singing you the lullaby’s you love aren’t working and I don’t know what else to do. I am not helping you and you are so so sad. I am not helping you and you are exhausted. I am not helping you and all you can do is cry out your grief, your frustration and your terror, and I don’t know what to do.

I am your mother and I am supposed to have all of the answers. I am supposed to fix you and make it all better but I don’t know how. I am failing at being a mother.

I have failed you and today, just for today I am broken.

I am going to bed and I am going to let the tears come even though it is so early and I know there will be loads more in store for me tonight. But I need to cry. I need to let it out before you wake up again and need me. I need to do this to let out the anxiety I feel at my failings. To let out some of the fear that I have that I will never be a good enough mother to make you happy, to bring you calmness and to make you feel safe.

I also need to cry because tomorrow you WILL still need me. And I am feeling weak and so anxious tonight that I am not good enough for you.

And yet tonight, I also need to find the strength from somewhere to get through the day that I know is coming, and to be what you need. I need to be the mother worthy of such an amazing little human. I need to try harder to take away your pain. You put your love and trust in me everyday to take care of you. And so I will try not to fail you. Tonight I will cry, and tomorrow I will try.

 

 

 

What is the hardest thing you have had to deal with in your little one’s life? And have you ever felt helpless when you can’t “fix” your kids? Please leave a comment in the box below as I would love to hear from you.

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