Well, it’s official. I have decided to put myself on a “Fitness Journey”.
I recently decided that I am sick of not being able to fit into my pre-pregnancy “skinny” jeans without my mummy belly (which is a full size bigger than my legs these days) completely oozing out over the top. On the bright side I can still essentially do them up, however I just about have to forgo breathing for the entire time I wear them.
And if those jeans don’t have room for lungs, then they certainly don’t have room for chocolate. And we can’t have that now, can we?
My goal here is to lose up to 6 kilo’s which I am pretty sure is mostly belly and boob. I am giving myself 12 weeks to lose it all, just in time for my brother-in-law’s marriage to the most beautiful girl in the world.
Wanna join me?? Coz here we go!
My Fitness Journey – Week one
To get into the swing of this fitness journey, I spent Monday and Tuesday NOT exercising. Instead I spent those days thinking all about the exercising that I would do on my upcoming baby free day – Wednesday.
I had the day all planned out.
I was going to get up early to attend the 9:30am yoga class in Northcote at AYA. I couldn’t wait for this class as I had never been to the Northcote branch of this studio and as such was really looking forward to it. And I would follow this brilliant start to the day by going to the new gym and getting myself a membership so I could get back into my old training habits.
I went to sleep Tuesday night so excited. I just couldn’t wait for Wednesday to begin.
What a weirdo, right?
I pried open my eyes early Wednesday morning and looked blearily at the time. Oh crap! I had slept through my alarm! Of friggin’ course this would happen on day one!! But it was ok… the morning was still salvageable. I just had to get a wriggle on.
I hauled my butt out of bed, rolled into some clothes, grabbed my yoga mat and jumped into the car. I sleepily googled the AYA studio’s address, typed it into my cars GPS and was on my way.
After what felt like a lifetime of driving around in circles without finding the studio, I realised that I was never going to make it before the class was scheduled to begin. So I cut my losses, turned the car around and headed for home.
Later that day when I was telling my husband about my morning drive and the trouble I had experienced trying to find the studio, he politely pointed out that it was not surprising that I hadn’t made it considering, based on my story, I’d been driving around the completely the wrong suburb. Whaaaaaat?!
**Insert head slap here**
So, as mentioned, I had given up on getting to yoga and continued on with the second part of my plan. I headed to the gym, signed myself up for a year of cruel and unusual punishment and headed in for my first proper gym session in what felt like ages.
I headed straight to the “Mens” weights section and found a free bench. I laid my towel on the head rest, then laid my head on the towel and got straight into my set. Now, I have to point out here that I used to be a bit of a gym junkie, and would go to the gym between 5-6 days a week, for up to two hours at a time. I loved the weights section and did everything the way I was supposed to. I knew what I was doing.
So why I thought that the bench had a specific head rest, I will honestly never know. Because in this case the “head rest” was actually the crotch rest, or what some cultures (like, EVERY culture) refer to as “a seat”.
Yes, that’s right I had lain my clean head of hair on the part of the bench where someone’s sweaty bottom had previously rested. My beautiful strawberry scented-hair would have smelled a little like bum-hole when I finished my sets, however I obliviously and smugly pushed those weights above my chest like I was being filmed for a fitness video. A video for dummies on what NOT to do obviously.
Luckily for my dignity it wasn’t very busy and no-one who was actually in the gym at the time said anything to me, however I am pretty positive that anyone who had seen me grunting away through my sets would have been killing themselves laughing at the girl rubbing her head all over someone’s previous crotch sweat residue. Humiliation. Cringe. How embarrassment.
I came to the realisation after that session, that I am severely unfit these days. I arrived home and dragged my feet into the lounge room, and lay about panting, sweating and feeling a wee bit nauseous. I stuffed a banana into my mouth, sculled some water, thought vaguely about stretching and continued on with my day.
On Thursday I woke up to a fun surprise, and by fun I mean the complete and utter opposite of fun.
The shock of the workout on my tired and unused body alongside the complete lack of stretching that had followed, led to one painfully and absurdly stiff body.
Overnight, I had turned into a human robot unable to bend my knees, waddling from side to side to ensure as little painful groaning escaped my lips as possible. Every part of me was tender and aching, and I would whimper every time I had to get up or down off the couch, the floor, or the toilet as my poor stiff muscles struggled to work normally.
After dinner Thursday night, I self-medicated the only way I knew how, other than alcohol. With a big bowl of cold chocolate mousse! Well, thats exactly what you do when you are trying to lose weight, right?! Oh, crap.
By the way, this is the easiest and most delicious chocolate mousse recipe that you will EVER come across, and is available to mummalifelovebaby subscribers only, so don’t forget to subscribe before you leave!
On Friday I did 3 sets each of pushups and tricep dips in my lounge-room coz my arms were feeling ok, but couldn’t accomplish much more than that as it was so hot in Melbourne that I could barely open my eyes for all of the sweating i was doing by just being alive. And this was with the air-conditioning on full blast.
On Saturday morning, the feeling started returning into my legs and I could walk without waddling or being struck down by any involuntary spasming, so I decided I was ready for another workout at the gym. I got a good 30 minutes in with weights where I avoided the crotch/hair scenario, before running happily on the treadmill for a further 20 mins.
The whole time I was running, I was trying to figure out if I should be staring at myself and into my own crazed eyes in the mirror in front of me, or cagily avoiding my own reflection at all costs like a drug dealer trying to blend in to a police station.
It’s safe to say that I chose to stare myself down, watching my cheeks flap with every bounce as my skin turned a bizarre shade of both white AND purple. Hmmm. Probably good that I finished up for the day when I did.
On Sunday I had to resort to lounge-room yoga as I didn’t get the chance to get out of the house. But that counts right? Then to top off the night, I consumed a big bowl of homemade Tiramisu, courtesy of my mother who makes THE BEST Tiramisu in the world. I savoured that bowl full of coffee flavoured goodness and patted myself on the back for a week well done.
Looking back, away from the haze of chocolate and coffee, I can confidently declare this week both a raging success, and at the same time an absolute epic failure.
I mean, I signed up to the gym and went. Twice. And I thought about going the other days, which I think totally counts. However I did eat my body weight in chocolate mousse and Tiramisu which probably wasn’t the right thing to do considering my goals.
So, as week one has come to a close I may not be any closer to losing those 6 kilo’s, but I feel mentally like I have lost 10. Mentally I am a Victoria Secret model.
Sigh, Ill try to do better next week.
Have you started your own fitness journey recently? Lets do it together! Leave a comment below and let me know how you are going with your journey, I would love to hear all about it!! xxx
Studies from the University of mummalifelovebaby (MLLBU) show that people who subscribe to the mummalifelovebaby website are more hilarious and attractive than most other people. Since you don’t want to be either weird looking or as boring as a blade of grass, then you had better sign up now! xxxxx