Depression and Anxiety. I don’t really know where it comes from.

I don’t know why I have it. I don’t know why my mind embraces it the way that it does. But it does, and I have it.

If you have read my previous post about Breastfeeding (read it here), then you would have known that I have suffered from Depression and Anxiety for many years.
You may also know that with a lot of help, support, and a hell of a lot of hard work, I have been relatively healthy, happy, and medication free for almost a year and a half now. Woohoo! High Fivin’ myself over here!

But, even so… I still have my down days. Days where I walk around in such a heavy state of sadness and I can’t imagine ever finding my way out of it. Its rarer now than it was, but it still happens.

Dealing with Depression and Anxiety - (c) Monkey Business Images via Canva.com

Little things set me off. My husband making an offhand comment about the dishes left in the sink at the end of a busy day. Saying the wrong thing at a work meeting. Doing something stupid at the gym. Not fitting into my clothes the way that I used to which is funny in itself because I hated my body even when I was at my fittest. Running late for no reason and missing a class or an appointment. Comments from family members or friends that are meant to be helpful or a joke, which I twist and take as criticism or an insult though not remotely meant that way.

My dear husband, try as he might, doesn’t really understand it. And this is because he is one of the very few to not have experienced living with depression and anxiety within himself. Yes, he is one of the lucky ones. He is lucky because he doesn’t have to fight on a daily basis to just feel happy. Because he IS happy. And he can appreciate every good thing in his life. Lucky fella.

Now, when I feel down, I feel so down that I can’t even imagine how I am ever going to possibly smile again. When I feel that down it’s such an effort to be happy, to talk, to laugh, or to even move and sometimes I just cannot be bothered and therefore don’t do anything at all.

I sometimes just lay there and don’t move. I keep my eyes shut to block out the world around me.

Image courtesy of pixabay.com

And when I feel that down, my dear husband just waits patiently by my side until I have picked myself back up and am ready to be me again.

And when I feel anxious I lose the ability to breathe. My hands shake uncontrollably, and my insides churn to the point of nausea. I feel light-headed and I can’t concentrate or sometimes even hear what is being said to me. When I am in the grips of anxiety, I can’t seem to be present in the moment that I am in, and struggle to understand what is happening around me. I may not even be able to remember what has just happened a couple minutes after it has happened.

Only a couple of years ago, the anxiety hit me incredibly and relentlessly hard. I was dealing with a particular client of mine from a big company who seemed to take delight in being a horrendous human-being. She was so horrid and nasty that by the end of our working relationship I would start to shake, sweat and get light-headed as soon as my phone rang in case it was her.

I even had the occasional nightmare about her where I would be frantically searching for something in my kitchen cupboards at home that I knew she wanted, whilst she stood smirking angrily over my shoulder. And I was terrified because I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

I wish I was kidding.

I was so happy when she left, and I must say that if in my working life I ever come across her again, I will refuse to have anything to do with her. That is how much she affected me.

But not many people knew the extent of what I was going through with her.

Because as many of you know, depression and anxiety can be a funny thing. Even though you can be suffering horribly, it can be disgustingly easy to hide it from the outside world.

image courtesy of pixabay.com

In fact, most people including close friends and family know me only as a happy, outgoing, joker. Some of my closest friends have caught glimpses of the real me; the obsessor, the stress-head, the nervous fence-sitter that I really am. And other friends and family have been active in having to mentally pick me up off the floor when I have been at my very rock bottom.

But overall I have gotten very good at hiding those manic parts of myself when in the company of others so most people wouldn’t even realise what is going on inside.

One of my favourite sayings is “you gotta fake it till you make it”…

And you know, sometimes my “faking it” could actually make me forget why I was feeling so crappy in the first place. Until of course, I found myself alone again. Then would I sit down, shut my eyes and think about all the things that I hate about myself and my life.

I obsess on them. I focus on them. I can’t seem to NOT do this.

From the outside looking in, I guess the negative thoughts are kind of like a drug- they are as addictive as they are horrible and very damn hard to shake.

But, why is that?

Why can’t those of us suffering from anxiety and depression pull ourselves out of feeling that way, or switch those thoughts off? Why are we constantly looking for confirmation that our lives suck, even when we know logically that they don’t, therefore validating why we feel so crappy? Why have we forgotten to feel good?

Why can’t we give ourselves permission to be happy, to smile? To take joy in what is going on around us? To live and love our lives? Why do we search for and focus on the things that will bring us down, making us feel like a worthless version of ourselves when its so not true?

What is it about letting ourselves be happy and living our lives with joy that has us running scared?

I wish I could answer these questions, but I just don’t know how to. I am still trying to figure it all out myself.

However a constant source of joy for me these days is my sweet baby boy.

Which is quite funny, because my husband used to worry about what I would be like as a mother during my very worst times. He worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with the demands that a little one would bring because I was unable to cope with my own life as it was.

But he needn’t have worried. As tiring and as tough as being a parent can be, it is also one of the things that have kept me the happiest I have ever been and the most sane. I has given me an abundance of joy and makes me look forward to getting up in the morning.

Because with our son, there is no time to wallow like I used to.

It’s so easy to smile at our baby boy when he is shooting only full faced joyous sun-beaming smiles back in my direction. It is so easy to actually FEEL happy when he shows me every day just how special I am in this world, HIS world, and when he constantly shows me how much he loves me.

When I am with my son, even if I have been feeling crappy that morning, I can still smile, sing, laugh, tickle, read, play and show my joy easily. Because he gives me all of that love and joy back ten fold.

But I do know that it isn’t always going to be that way. I will not be the loving centre of my children’s world forever. As they grow, they will need me and adore me less and less. And I can’t rely on their love to prop me up.

So, I will continue to work on me everyday. I will still take the time to keep my balance, to find my peace, to keep me in love with my own life. I will keep continuously searching for my happy so I can stand on my own two feet. So I don’t need anyone else to prop me up, and be the source of my own happiness. I will continue to do this, because I am a work in progress. I will do this so those down days occur less and less until they don’t happen anymore.

Because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve good things.

And so do you my friend, so do you.

 

 

Are you feeling down, or experiencing negative thinking that you can’t turn off? If you are, then please know that you are not alone. You are absolutely not. Brilliant support services like beyond blue are there to help you 24/7, either over the phone, via live chat or via email. Click here to access beyond blue for the support you deserve today. You deserve to be happy again. xxx

 

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