I don’t know about you, but my life is flying by in an absolute blur.

I remember when I was young, the future seemed hugely infinite – like it would never end. And because I still had aaaaallllll of that glorious time ahead of me, it seemed like anything was possible.

And then…well, life happens.

We get older, and all of a sudden we get so damn busy just doing…stuff…sometimes, totally meaningless stuff, that we lose track of the life we should be truly living.

I don’t know about you, but I can feel myself racing through this life that I have been given.

I race through one day to the next. From one goal to the next.

But those days and those goals come and go so quickly that it’s almost hard to keep up, and it is starting to scare me. Because this life just won’t slow down and give any of us a break. It races alongside us.

And what we are racing together towards? I don’t even want to think about it. And yet I continue to race blindly forward.

I fill up each of my days during the week with my beautiful son, with things. Just things. I can’t even tell you what kinds of things, because there are so many things that we always seem to be rushing around and doing. I fill those days up, and they fly by before I can even take a breath.

After a week full of doing “things”, we arrive at Friday night when my husband comes home for the weekend, ready to spend time with his family who love and adore him. And you know what we always seem to do then? We fill our weekends up too.

We fill it up with more things to do, people to see, places to go. And then it’s go go GO until its Monday again. The husband goes back to work and I go back to filling our week up with stuff, pointless stuff, until the weekend comes around once more.

Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

Life is moving by us so god damn quickly, and I cannot stop to catch my breath.

How do we slow down? How do we enjoy it? I wish I knew…

What I DO know, is that I have only three weeks left with my son, until I have to be going back to work. And although I am looking forward to working again, the idea of being away from my son for three days a week terrifies me. The idea that I can’t be with him, play with him, smother him with kisses,or that I won’t be there when he needs me, terrifies me. I feel like I will miss out on so much.

My baby will spend those three days a week with his grandparents who love him to pieces, more than life itself. It’s so wonderful that they are doing that for us, and my son is so lucky because of it. But I won’t be there, and it breaks my heart. I will miss so much of his life and of him growing up, and knowing that is killing me.

Looking back over the last ten and a half months since he was born, I realised that I have just rushed through my day without appreciating the little things. The time we have had together.

I have filled that time with so many damn things, so many unimportant things trying to still live my life with him, that it makes me wonder, have I already missed watching him grow up?

Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

Even though I have been right there, have I missed it?

This time with him has flown by, and he has grown up so quickly. He is no longer my baby.

I can’t pinpoint the day that it changed and became that way. So, did I miss the change? Was I not watching? When did it happen? I do not know.

I am so terrified that I have not been enough for him. That I have not showed him how completely I love him. That I have not held him tightly enough. That I haven’t kissed him enough. The time is never enough, and the clock is ticking down until I lose those three full days a week with him altogether.

Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

When he will no longer be mine. When he will become someone else’s.

Will he even miss me when we are apart? Will he even notice I’m not there? Will his grandparents teach him everything there is to know because I am not there to do it?

Will I miss out on him growing up? What if I don’t see him take his first steps? Will I be overjoyed at his achievement, or will I have a broken heart that I missed it? Will I still even be important in his life?

Does he even know how much I love him?

These questions are breaking my heart. But I continue rushing through my day. Because I can’t stop. I can’t stop cramming everything in, to get things done.

But I want to stop. Just stop. But time won’t listen. It won’t slow down so I can have more precious time with my son. Time waits for no man. And because of that, I can feel the pressure of time on my shoulders.

I do not have enough of it.

I know that this feeling is stupid, and that once I go back to work I will be fine. Great even. And yet it continuously plays on my mind. How much I am losing. How much I will miss.

And so I feel like I need to memorize my babies smile. I need to memorize those moments when my actions make him shriek with laughter and joy. When he lifts his arms up to be picked up and cuddled by me. I still need time to be overwhelmed by the way his face lights up with happiness when he see’s me, because I am so damn terrified that he will shine a little less when I am no longer with him.

I know I will shine a little less…

But that’s life. It won’t wait for me to be ready. And I don’t think I ever will be.

 

 

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