This is the first story in our exciting monthly series of real labour and birthing stories. It outlines the incredible journey of the beautiful and talented Leah Ladson of Leah Ladson Photography, and the labour experiences for both of her beautiful and healthy daughters. It outlines her disappointment, her strength and her courage to achieve her birthing goals. We hope you enjoy reading her story as much as we did! xxx

My birth stories – By Leah Ladson

Image (c) Leah Ladson Photography

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

Looking back at my first labour and birth, I was so naïve.

I thought that the only choices I needed to make were what pain medication I would accept and what soothing tunes I would listen to in the delivery room. Obviously, I didn’t know a thing.

Throughout my perfect pregnancy, everything was going swimmingly, and whatever the Doctors said, I did.
I envisioned a painful and not too long, but not too short, labour. Y’know, the kind that I’d been told about by everyone.

My contractions started at about 11pm on a Sunday night, and I couldn’t believe that it was finally happening!
They weren’t that painful yet, so I went to bed and tried to sleep.

They were coming at irregular intervals and didn’t last too long, kind of like Braxton hicks, yet silly me was so excited that I stayed awake most of the night over-thinking EVERYTHING.

Monday came and the contractions died off in the morning. They picked back up in the afternoon and then disappeared again in the evening. Frustrating!!!!!
I paced around the house timing my contractions, doing ‘hot laps’ around the living room. Silly me. Because I was exhausting myself.

Yup, all of that was PRE labour and in hindsight I should have chilled the hell out and waited for REAL labour to start.

Once it finally kicked in, it took 36 hours of labour to have this baby and I was totally wrecked by the end of it.

At about the 30 hour mark I conceded to an epidural. Great, this will help me out, I thought, and yet BOY, WAS I WRONG!! Mr Stupidly-Inexperienced-Student-Doctor decided to use me as an opportunity to practice his spinal tap skills and whadda-ya-know?? It didn’t work.

My baby was posterior, her heart rate was dropping to a screaming holt every time I contracted and the midwives were yelling at me to stop pushing when of course, I just couldn’t.

And then, in the blink of an eye, the Obstetric Registrar made the call. An Emergency Caesarean was needed, and it was needed right now.

I was gutted.

Seriously, I had gone through 3 full days of god damn labour, only to be cheated like this?
I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I had gone in with an open mind to this whole labour thing, and yet, what the actual fuck?!! Nothing had gone the way it should have!

On the one hand, it was actually kind of a relief, because I no longer had the strength to labour any longer. I couldn’t do it. I was physically and mentally beaten. And yet on the other hand, I felt pure devastation as I felt like I’d just had my natural right as a woman to have a vaginal birth taken from me. It wasn’t fair, but there was nothing I could do about it.

And so, just like that, I was rushed into theatre while my husband was given scrubs to put on. He was told to sit in the hallway with no further instructions for about 15 minutes. He had no idea where I was, or if he was even going to be present at the birth of his first child. He felt so helpless, and yet all he could do was sit there and wait.

Thankfully he was allowed in in time, and 30 minutes later, the baby was born. It was a baby girl!

My Real Birth Story - Leah Ladson

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

I watched her little form appear above the sheet that completely blocked off my view from what they were doing to my insides, and I continued to watch her as I lay there shaking uncontrollably from the epidural. I couldn’t stop shaking.

She was swiftly wrapped up, and the medical staff gave her a quick check before cutting the cord.

Image (c) Leah Ladson Photography

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

It was only then that I got to meet her properly.


My Real Birth Story - Leah Ladson

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

But I didn’t get to see her for long. Before I knew it, she was whisked away from me as I was stitched up and wheeled back to my room. The whole process was a total blur.

I tried breastfeeding as soon as I was allowed, and all seemed to go well. But, something wasn’t right.

I didn’t connect with her.

Where was that ‘love at first sight’ sensation that everyone gushed about? Where was that feeling, and why the hell wasn’t I feeling it? I started questioning everything…Maybe I’m not supposed to be a Mum? Maybe we rushed into this? Why have I not fallen head-over-heals-I-could-eat-your-face in love with my baby, like everyone said I would?

In fact, the full first 2 weeks of my daughter’s life, passed by in a blurry state of sadness, fear and anxiety.

I did what I needed to do for my baby physically, but I was not emotionally there. I cried every day when I was alone, but when the visitors came I pretended I was madly in love with this child that we had planned for 9 months ago. But I wasn’t. Yet.

Looking back now, I think that a lot of those feelings were caused by the traumatic birth that I had experienced. It hadn’t left me with any room to feel anything else. And when I look back on this birth, I felt like I hadn’t been given any options, and even worse, that at the time I didn’t even realise I had other options. I just took the doctors advise as gospel.

Of course since then, I have grown to love my Daughter with all of my heart. She is the most amazing person I know and I can whole-heartedly say I am head-over-heals-I-could-eat-her-face in love with her! It wasn’t instantaneous, and it took time but it now feels the way it is supposed to. The way that I always imagined it should.

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

Our family was so beautiful, and we were in such a good place that we decided to try for another baby. And after trying for 14 months, we finally fell pregnant with baby #2.

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

Image © Leah Ladson Photography

Whilst still a little nervous because of what I had been through the first time around, this time I felt a little more mentally prepared.
I was more confident as a woman, and my life experience in the past 3 years gave me the strength to realise that this was my body and I did have options for this birth. Even if those options were contrary to what all the Doctors I saw would say.

When I had my first appointment at 20 weeks, the doctor informed me that they wanted to book me in for a C-Section at 38 weeks. Umm… HELL NO!
I mean, if that was truly the best option at the time, then of course I would, as my baby’s safety will always come first, but they weren’t even going to let me TRY for a VBAC (Vaginal birth after caesarean) birth? Wasn’t this MY baby and MY body?

I felt such a strong sense of disappointment with the medical system, and felt like them pushing me for a C-section was purely based on making their schedules easier.
They gave me no other reason to think otherwise.
And so, from week 20, I found myself fighting tooth and nail every appointment for them to allow me just ‘one more week’ of being pregnant.

Then, to make matters worse, the baby was measuring small so panic set in amongst my medical team as to what they should do.

For me, it was a rollercoaster which alternated between both terror and relief.

Because she was measuring small, I went from having to have steroid injections to help her lung development and being told I would be delivering my baby in Melbourne’s special care unit at 26 weeks. This all terrified me to no end. And yet then all of a sudden, things were relatively ok. Now they were saying that baby now may not have to come out early at all. Instead I was to have twice weekly ECG monitoring’s and weekly Ultrasounds to monitor babe’s growth & heart rate.
Just like that – terror and relief in the blink of an eye.

And yet still I had to plead with the Doctor’s at every corner to let me at least try a VBAC. Luckily for me I had one supportive midwife. She was my midwife with my first Daughter and knew me, and my story. She was the ONLY person who listened to me during this pregnancy.
And yet even so, my scheduled C-section was still booked in for the Friday morning at 38 weeks.

Unexpectedly, when I asked for 1 more week at the beginning of that week, it was granted. I couldn’t believe my luck! I had to get my head right, and I had to get my body right. I wasn’t going to let adrenalin ruin my very slim chances of a VBAC birth. I was adamant. Friday came and went, and guess what happened on Saturday?

My waters broke!! Yippee!! Or…hmmmm…did they?

I had my waters broken with my first labour so I didn’t know what it would feel like and wasn’t really sure. I had in my head that it would be a huge gush of water on a café floor like in the movies, lol, but it wasn’t quite the case.
I went into the hospital and was tested, and even though the results were positive in that my waters had broken, the medical staff still weren’t completely sure.

Because of this, when I pleaded to go home and sleep the night and that “I PROMISE TO COME BACK IF ANYTHING CHANGES”, they agreed.

Sunday came, and nothing happened, so I was told that I would now be admitted Sunday afternoon for a C-Section at 8am on Monday morning. I couldn’t believe it.

I had tried so long and pushed so hard, and it was for nothing. I had to have another damn caesarean.

I lay there in the hospital bed that night, gutted beyond belief, that all of my efforts of stalling the Doctors for 20-freakin-weeks were all in vain. I turned the lights off to go to sleep and sobbed.

About half an hour later…. Hold on…That was a contraction.

Ooo… It’s got a bit on it…. And then…Holy SHIT that hurts!!

As my midwife had just gone home a new nurse on duty came in. She was bright and bubbly and I wondered if I would be able to deal with her through my contractions. She quickly agreed that I was in labour and I was 3cm dilated. I had only reached 6cm with my first birth, so in my head, 6cm’s was the number I needed to pass.

I called my Husband…. “Umm.. you might wanna get back in here. Like, NOW!”

The contractions came in thick and fast. I had never experience these type of contractions with my first birth… This was something new. I was TOTALLY in the zone though. I kept calm, I breathed and I imagined with each painful contraction what my body might be doing to make this VBAC possible. And even through the pain, I was SO happy.

My husband turned up just as I was being taken into a delivery room, and I tell you what – The part about the woman crushing the guy’s hands from the movies is actually true. It happened. And whilst I almost broke my husband’s hand, I sucked on the gas they gave me like it was an Olympic sport.

I was so completely focused on having this baby the way I’d always wanted.

And my mind raced; “HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS… IT HURTS SOOOOO MUCH…I THINK I MAY ACTUALLY PASS OUT.”

So I yelled out to anyone who would listen “Ok, I’ve had enough now – Give me that epidural NOW!”

My bubbly, curly-haired midwife checked but it was too late for that.

I was 9.5cm’s dilated and I could start pushing. I was so stupidly ecstatic and kept thinking that I was finally actually going to do this.
With 2 pushes her head was out. And then with one final push I HAD DONE IT! I HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO MY BABY!

Oh my god I had another daughter!! A sister for my first child!!

She cried immediately, and there it was… That instant, mad love that everyone spoke about. I cried so hard with happiness and pride. I just couldn’t believe I had actually done it. Every stress, every worry, every ECG, every Ultrasound… It was all worth it to feel that feeling.

I am tearing up writing this now, because the feeling is one I longed for, for so long. I didn’t realised until right that second, how not-OK I was with my first birth.

And against all odds. Against everything that the medical staff had wanted for me. I had done it.

VBAC was possible!!!

 

Did you enjoy this story, and do you want to submit your own? Contact us at info@ellynshepherd.com.au to get YOUR real birth story included! xxxx

 

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