I went out for dinner with a friend last week. I know, right?! I’m shocked too. Shocked that I am doing something that resembles having my own grown up kinda life again… Yep, mummas gotta get a life, however in the year and a half since my little one was born I have lived every day weighed down by an immense sense of guilt… It’s constantly nagging at me and wont bugger off. Stupid jerky guilt.

For starters, I feel guilty that I am “not present” enough when I am at home. You know, because there are times when I actually have to do chores instead of just sitting there and playing with my son. Yes, chores make feel incredibly guilty.

And holy hell, if I even THINK about having some “me time” while he is awake (like the time I needed to wax my upper lip in the morning) well, forget about it, because the guilt is overwhelming! GET BACK IN THERE ARE STACK SOME DAMN BLOCKS my inner guilt machine screams at me… BARK LIKE A DOG NEXT TO A PICTURE OF A DOG AND SAY DOG REPEATEDLY UNTIL HE MAKES THE CONNECTION AND BECOMES A BABY GENIUS! Sigh…

I mean, I am the mum here so I am supposed to be at home being all mumsy all of the time right?? Logically I know that it is actually kinda ridiculous and that mummy needs down time too. But my mummies guilt doesn’t give a crap about what I need, it just worries about what everyone ELSE needs instead!And so I rarely go out at all unless my son goes with me, or if it’s on a family date, thus ensuring my own happiness is triggered only when my family is happy too! Weird right?

On the flip side, I know that me being home every night and every weekend (just about) has been driving my husband crazy too. Sometimes I find myself talking about the most ridiculous adult-y things just for something to talk about. Ooooh, I did the dishes three times today. Ooooh, I bought a new batch of scented bin bags today. Oooh, I got bitten by a mosquito on my right bum cheek today. Oooh, I had to stick three separate books back together with sticky tape today, right before your son almost ate a whole crayon. And I am pretty sure that these conversations are boring my husband silly. Although he is too polite to say it.

So, as many of you would know, last week I sat down and created my own happiness bucket list (totally read it here, do it do it do it do it), and whilst many of the things on the list WILL involve my family, a couple of the things on the list were purely for me…

One of those points was for me to get back into exercising more, so a couple of weeks ago I told my darling husband that I was thinking of starting an RPM class on a Tuesday night, and a yoga class on a Wednesday night.

Before the sentence was even out of my mouth, my husband half screeched “yes, GO!” at me with slightly crazy eyes. He tried to reign it back in after he realised that he had been a touch too enthusiastic about me leaving the house, but it was too late. I think he wanted some alone time with his basketball games and a beer. And I think he wanted me to come home with a conversation point that was about something other than me doing the dishes during the day…

Obviously, mummas gotta get a life again!

I know that he wants me to get out there and live my life again. To find my independence again, and find my thing that makes the new mummy version of me happy again. He wants me to have a hobby or time out that is all mine. And not rely wholly on him and my son to dictate my version of happiness. Which is wonderful, and caring. And slightly nerve-wracking at the same time…

mummas gotta get a life - Image (c) mummalifelovebaby

Gawd, that face right there is why I struggle so much to have some “me time” – Image © mummalifelovebaby

Even still, when my friend asked me last week to go out for dinner with her, I almost said no. And when a friend asked me to go shopping with her the previous week, I almost said no to that too. It was like an automatic reflex that I had no control over. No I can’t because I am a mum and these days I don’t do things for myself. Like at all. Right? Wrong.

So this time I took a deep breath and actually said stuff it yes, as a matter of fact I WOULD like to go out for dinner with you because the thought of sitting in my dingy lounge-room eating steak and mushy peas that I have just cooked soooooooo isn’t doing it for me tonight.

So we went out, and it was great! Because as much as I am the kind of person who needs to be needed, I had forgotten what it was like to have time to unwind and relax without hearing my name called over and over again. Although if my name is followed by “would you like to see the dessert menu”, then that’s fine, because yes damn it, yes I do.

But I still felt bloody guilty for being out on my own and having a good time, for not being at home, for missing bath time, for not putting that extra load of washing on, for not sitting there in my lounge-room next to my husband JUST in case the baby happened to wake up and need me.

And I worried about the stupidest things (that didn’t even happen) – like, what if he wouldn’t go to bed on time for my husband? What if he starts cutting another jerk tooth (read about what I want to say to the tooth fairy here) and can’t sleep and is screaming the house down for hours? What if he is sleeping perfectly but me opening the garage door wakes him up and he can’t get back to sleep and we all have a shit night and I end up being so tired that I want to vomit instead of play with my son tomorrow? Rarrrrrrrr! Shut up brain! Even I know you are being ridiculous…

However the fact that I went out is a total win right? I may not be able to stop being a guilt riddled fool, but I am taking steps now to slowly become my own person again.

And I will be. One glass of wine at a time… Oh oops, I meant one step at a time…

 

 

Did you find it difficult finding yourself again after your child or children were born? Did you think to yourself – gawd, mummas gotta get a life? And if so, how did you do it? Leave a comment below as I would love to hear all about it! xxx

 

By the way… Studies from the University of mummalifelovebaby (MLLBU) show that people who subscribe to the mummalifelovebaby website are more hilarious and attractive than most other people. Since you don’t want to be either weird-looking or as boring as a blade of grass, then you had better sign up now!  

And if you DO sign up now (seriously, do it), then you will receive my free mini ebook – “3 amazing things that you MUST do with chocolate”. YOU LUCKY THING! I mean, HELLO! Chocolate!

xxxxx