Well. Holy Moly Sausage Rolly. She is here. She is here. She is totally here. And I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real even though I KNOW I was most definitely pregnant for what felt like 4,579,164 months. Yerp, I lived that shizz, and I have photographic evidence to prove it.
But it’s still hard to believe that she is here. She is mine, and she is so deliciously perfect and beautiful.
It’s been an incredible ride so far as a mother of two, though it’s not really something u can ever prepare for. The craziness. The level of ear-splitting volume that the toddler now has managed to reach. The love. The joy. The exhaustion. The smell of baby poop mixed in with the smell of toddler poop, which is also occasionally mixed in with the smell of dog poop.
And you can never truly be prepared to be needed by two beings in equal (and huge) amounts at exactly the same time. #ithinkthetyrantsmaygettogethertoplanit
But its all totally worth it. “They” didn’t tell lies when they said that mums were capable of so much love for multiple mini people. You could have 40 children, and you would love them all so much, and so equally. Because your heart really DOES grow bigger. I mean, I previously thought that it was completely chock-a-block already full of so much overwhelming love for my firstborn son, but it has grown so much more upon meeting my little lady.
But one thing I DEFINITELY hadn’t prepared myself for, and one thing they didn’t tell me about was how much I would MISS being pregnant this time.
I never felt this way with my first-born son, I loved being pregnant with him but didn’t really miss it once he was out. I was so busy with learning how to be a mother that I just didn’t have time to miss it. And I think I also didn’t need to miss it because I unequivocally knew that I would have another child in the future.
I was just enjoying being a first time mum to the most beautiful, loveable and happy baby boy… But it really hit me this time with my little lady.
It’s a weird feeling actually. And it was really hard to wrap my head around it.
One day I was full right up to the boobies with my mini human. She was swimming around in my insides and was taking every opportunity to remind me that she was there (cough … by kicking me repeatedly in the guts… cough…) and literally the VERY next day she was gone. I don’t mean “gone” in a tragic sense, but just that she had packed up all of her things and totally moved the frick out of my body. She flew right outta me and is now licking my neck, thinking that I am dinner.
She didn’t even vacuum before she left. #rudemuch
And it’s even weirder still that once she was out, I felt such a strange sense of loss, an emptiness, and a real tangible sense of sadness that she was no longer truly with me. On the insides. #iamnotacreepiswear
One week post partum and my body was almost back to normal. Two weeks post partum and with the exception of a jiggly belly and some stretch marks, and a sore scar that will take a long time to heal, it’s like she was never a part of me. Like every trace of her has been erased from me. My breasts no longer hold any milk to feed her, and my uterus has contracted completely back to normal. My stomach has a pouch from carrying and nurturing 2 beautiful babies, but it is essentially flat (well, not flat at all, because…well…chocolate).
And she is now in my arms and she is safe and that’s all I ever wanted, but now she is no longer just mine. We no longer have that special secret connection, where it was just us and no-one else in the world existed. She would kick and no-one else would feel it, no-one else would know, it was a secret that only she and I would share and that’s all gone.
The heaviness in my body, the movement and the gentle hiccups that signified she was there are gone. And that missing secret presence makes me sad.
Now it is like she never was inside me.
The feeling of her presence is missing, and it’s made me grieve in a way that I never considered.
But as time has gone on I have realised that I have moved on to something better.
Because she is here with me. I can hold her in my arms. I can kiss her little face and feel her tiny hands wrap around my finger. I can gaze into her eyes as she stares wonderingly into mine before she breaks into a smile so full of love and joy that my heart almost explodes right outta my body. Her eyes follow me around the room. My kisses make her smile. My touch relaxes her so completely that I know I have never really lost her.
And so the grief is no more. I know that we will be together for always and that makes me the luckiest mumma in the world. <3
Question. Do you love hearing about other people’s labour and birth stories? Do you find your heart rate goes up like a weirdo when you read them yourself? I know I sure do! And I am looking for more labour stories to share with the mummalifelovebaby community!
SO….If you would like to contribute YOUR story to make other people go slightly crazy with excitement too, then please send me your details via the private contact form below and I will advise how YOU can be involved too! xxx