The Musings Of A Four Month Old Baby
Ever wonder what goes through the mind of a super bald teeny tiny baby?
I know I sure do. Instead of coming out of my hoo-ha speaking English as any good baby should, she babbles, squeals, snorts and squirms in my arms, and I have absolutely NO idea what she is talking about. Sigh.
I have been studying her though. Giving her the stank eye. Trying to work out what the sweet lass is on about, and lo and behold as time has gone on I think I just MAY have figured it out. And I think i goes a little something like this…
Baby: Hmmmm. My nose is all full of something that these humans calls “snot”.
Wriggles around in bed.
I don’t think I like it.
Wriggles around some more. Licks the snot. Licks some more. Changes mind. Likes it.
Baby: Why is no-one cuddling me right now? How dare they put me down? Don’t they know I am awake? I. WANT. TO. BE. CUDDLED. NOW! Someone come in here and PICK. ME. UP!!!
Shouts at the top of her teeny tiny lungs for a full five minutes.
Mumma comes in and picks The Baby up. Sucker.
Baby: Finally! I thought you would never get here…Have you SEEN this stuff coming out of my nose?!
Sneezes globs of snot all over her Mumma’s face before promptly falling back to sleep.
Gets cuddled for 25 minutes till it is stupidly assumed by The Tired Mumma that The Baby will actually stay sleep once put down. Jokes. Babies don’t sleep.
The Baby gets put back into cot. Stupid idea. The Baby suddenly realises that her head is no longer resting on her mothers tired and deflated boobs, so feels an intensely overwhelming rage that she doesn’t understand, and starts shouting again.
Baby: Hey! Where did you go? Who said we were done cuddling? Come back here you warm chested hug-bag! Its cuddle time!
Mumma trudges back into the room and picks baby up again. The Baby rewards her Mumma with a huge smile of gratitude. Or amusement. Sucker. Then sneezes all over her again.
Baby: Oh hey there mumma! See what I did there?! You thought I was asleep but I was tricking! I am so hilarious aren’t I? My nose is all tickley and I just want to sneeze… I wont fall asleep this time I promise, in fact I am not even tired…
The Baby promptly falls back asleep again. Snores. This time The Baby stays asleep. Thank the lordy lord, because the toddler then wakes up and howls.
Everyone is asleep. And more importantly, everyone is quiet. Thank the lordy lord.
The Baby wakes again and starts singing like a deranged and drunken bird. Mummy stumbles back in the room to get her.
Baby: Hey mummy! Glad to see you!
Waves madly, but succeeds only in looking more deranged. The Mumma picks The Baby up for a cuddle.
Baby: Aaaaaaahhh. That’s nice. I feel better…Love you mumma.
Sighs, and nuzzles face in against her Mumma’s neck for 5 seconds.
Then her free baby hand gets a mind of its own and whacks her Mumma in the face multiple times.
Baby: I’m hungry. Where’s ma food?
Mumma shoves a bottle in The Baby’s face. Grom Grom Grom Grom. Snort.
The Baby inhales half a bottle of formula, grins happily, then spews up 80% of what she just ate all over her Mumma.
And giggles. She thinks she is hilarious.
Mumma sits at the table, holding the baby, eating toast for breakfast.
Baby: What is that brown square thing that keeps getting shoved in your mouth? What is toast? Can I have some? Can I? Can I? Can I? Put it in my mouth! No, not yours! Mine! No…Sigh. I want it.
Mumma has no idea what The Baby is babbling about, so eats toast obliviously and then prepares a delicious meal of pureed potato and apples. Mumma spoons the food into The Baby’s open mouth.
The Baby chews a bit, thinks about it, then spits the food straight back out and giggles.
Baby: Oh my gosh mumma, did you just see that?? The food just FLEW across the room! This stuff tastes like dirt. Well, I think. I have never actually tried dirt but there is a patch of it out the back that the dog seems to like, so…
The Baby then grabs the spoon and whacks herself in the head with it, bursting into tears before tossing the spoon on the floor. Giggles again.
Baby: Oh lady, I am not even tired! Why are you putting me to bed when I don’t want…zzzzzz…
The Baby promptly falls asleep. Snores louder than should be possible for someone so tiny.
The Baby wakes up.
Baby: Huh, I guess I did want to sleep. Anyhoo, since I am awake again, I would like more cuddles. And food. Now.
The Baby calls out for Mumma again who trudges in and picks her up. Baby smiles a huge smily, then lets out a whopping big fart. Giggles.
Baby: I have a surprise for you in my nappy mumma.
Mumma changes the nappy and gags. Poop slips under Mumma’s fingernails. Of course.
Mumma cleans up and then feeds The Baby. The Baby is so grateful that she head butts her Mumma during a burp more than once. And then spews on her a little bit.
Mumma ponders the gloriousness that is Motherhood.
The Baby giggles, squeals and kicks Mumma in the guts, but Mumma doesn’t mind because The Baby smiled a million wattage smile at her first.
Baby: My stomach is all grumbly and I don’t know what to do with that. Where is that potato rubbish that you fed me before? Can I have some more of that?
Mumma feeds The Baby.
The Baby sneezes potato everywhere then refuses to let go of either of the spoons she is holding to allow more to go into her mouth.
Baby: Nope, these spoon thingys are mine mumma! Mine! MIIIINNNNNEEE!
Drops them on the floor. Stares at her Mumma. Giggles.
Mumma reads to The Baby whilst The Baby plays on the floor. Mumma is getting all dramatic and awesome, but The Baby is too busy squealing and throwing toys across the room to listen.
Baby: I am the strongest and loudest baby in the worrrrrllllllllldddddd!!!!!!! Hear me ROAR!!!!
The Baby seriously roars. Scares itself. Mumma laughs, so The Baby smiles.
Mumma puts The Baby to bed again.
Baby: Mumma, why are we doing this again? I swear you don’t listen lady. I am not even remotely tired…zzzzzz
The Baby is asleep before Mumma even shuts the door.
The Baby wakes up realises where she is and howls in rage.
Baby: Mumma come and get me you sneaky sleep enforcer! I want more milk! Come and get me now!
The Baby notices that Mumma has put a clean top on since she last was fed. Decides she doesn’t like it and promptly spews all over it again. Giggles again.
The Baby then strategically waits until Mumma leans in for a kiss and then turns her head at the last second so Mumma kisses her on a huge glob of snot, the size of which has never before been seen. The Baby thinks it’s funny that Mumma has snot all over her lips. Baby giggles.
Image provided by Lulu and Milly © mummalifelovebaby
Mumma sings songs and plays with The Baby on the floor. The Baby loves this time.
Mumma reads The Baby loads of books again, even though The Baby still doesn’t really understand English all that well. She is just happy to listen to her Mumma’s voice. She stares at her Mumma and smiles happily. She waves her arms about because she can’t contain her excitement, until she gets tired. Being tired makes her grumpy. So The Baby howls.
Mumma puts The Baby back to bed again.
Baby: I swear, you keep doing this to me, but I am STILL not tir….zzzzzz
The Baby falls asleep again. Mumma smiles because The Baby is so especially cute when sleeping.
Daddy is now home from work, so he waltzes into The Baby’s room booming in his loud daddy voice “Good morning Princess!”
The Brother comes into the room, singing out “Hello!” to The Baby also.
The Baby grins and giggles because she knows she IS the princess in this house. The ruler of all.
The Brother hops into the cot and cuddles up to The Baby, giving her a big kiss on the forehead.
Baby: I don’t know what your name is yet kid, but I love you. You are interesting, and do funny things. I enjoy these cuddles that you give me. Give me more.
Daddy and The Brother bring The Baby downstairs and feed The Baby food. This time it is carrots, and pears.
Baby: Oh good. That potato rubbish was a bit gluggy.
Baby sneezes again.
Baby: Could someone for the love of god please come here and wipe my nose! More of this “Snot” stuff is coming out of it!
The Bedtime Ritual:
Mumma puts The Baby into the bath.
Baby: Yessss! I love this time! If I kick my legs just….right… then I can get my Mumma. Like this…
Baby splashes water all over Mumma, but Mumma doesn’t mind coz it’s almost bedtime. And bedtime brings a sense of quiet, relaxation and adult conversation. Oh, and dinner, wine (possibly) and chocolate.
Mumma looks down at The Baby’s happy face and sings to her which only makes The Baby grin and splash more. Mumma tickles The Baby. The Baby likes it and tries to chew on her Mumma’s fingers to show her appreciation.
Baby: Alright, I am done in here thanks. I hope someone has my clothes and a bottle ready.
Mumma knows what The Baby wants and gets The Baby out of the bath and dresses her quickly, whilst smothering The Baby in kisses.
Mumma sings whilst feeding The Baby again, and The Baby sighs and drinks her milk happily.
After a few final wild kicks and punches, The Baby relaxes and looks up at her Mumma.
Baby: Love you Mumma. Love that wild boy and The Bearded Daddy too. Ok. I’m ready for bed now.
Mumma puts The Baby to bed.
Mumma: Goodnight my sweet angel. We love you. See you tomorrow. But only after 7am or I’ll be cranky.
The Baby listened. She feels happy and loved.
The Baby sleeps.
Thank the Lordy Lord.
Have you ever wondered what goes through your own Baby’s mind sometimes? Please tell me what you have come up with in the comments box below xxx