There is something that happens to a toddler when a newborn sibling enters the world. Something extraordinary. Something astounding. Something semi horrific.
The toddler that was once sweet and loving and gorgeous turns unexpectedly into something … different… And let me tell you, that something is…at least 45% monster. Sigh.
Before my little lady arrived in the world, my sweet first-born son was such a kind, caring, lovely and gorgeous little creature. He still is, to a certain extent, but he’s also now driven by a demanding, hysterically crying (minus any real tears though of course) toddler tyrant ego.
I don’t know why it happens, or how, but I have been researching (I’m lying, I haven’t) the histories of toddlers all over the globe (aka the inside of the Nutella jar in my pantry) and I have come up with some theories that may explain a few things as to why this actually happens.
Theory Number One: The Chemical Reactive Theory.
There is a chemical located somewhere deep inside a toddler’s brain, and when the word “brother” or “sister” is mentioned it triggers said chemical that destroys all loving and cuddly hormones and replaces them with turdburgery screamer hormones.
The chemical is totally reactive. When the baby is asleep, the toddler loves cuddles, listens to what it is told (sometimes) and is generally rather nice to be around.
But when the baby wakes up and needs its parents, that chemical rears its ugly head and flicks a switch inside the observant toddler that turns them into a needy and nonsensical maniac. There is no reasoning with those crazy little humans.
Example: When all of a sudden trying to get them to have a wee on the toilet is like you have sentenced them to death and are trying to get them onto the gallows. This makes me shake my head every time, because who doesn’t have time for a good wee?
It’s all a chemical thing. I don’t think they can help it.
#StupidChemicals
Theory Number Two: The Toddlers Wish They Could Still Be Babies Theory.
I don’t bloody blame them in all honesty. I wish I was still a baby too. I wouldn’t ever have to get up to poop when its cold, and food would be placed in my mouth half freaking digested (preferably not ACTUALLY whilst I am pooping). What sounds easier and more wonderful than that? Plus, imagine being kissed, cuddled and smothered in love all day and night. Sounds amaze to me.
Now imagine being a toddler, watching all that love that they USED to get, being directed to some other mini human all of a sudden. Jealously ensues right? Because that constant affection and those cuddles are totally the bomb diggity. So they start acting like babies again to try to get back some of that lost love.
Example: Calling out “Mummy, she hit me, waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!” and crying hysterically, because the baby (who doesn’t even know that she HAS hands) punched the toddler in his head (even though the toddler HIMSELF grabbed said Baby’s hand and forced her to punch himself in the head with it when he thought mumma wasn’t looking). This was all in the hopes that mummy would pick him up and sing him lullabies for 24 hours straight, instead of making herself a go’damn cup of hot tea.
#BabiesWishinTheyWereBabiesAgainWhileMummaNeverGetsAHotCuppaAgain
Theory Number Three: The Toddlers Secretly Love The Drama Way Too Much Theory.
Toddlers. Love. Drama. They LOVE it the little weirdo’s even though they pretend they hate it.
Example: My son battles with loving his sister with every fibre of his being, so much so that he can’t actually STAND not being able to try to squish her in half. He is so dramatic about it, that I need to give him ten solid minutes of cuddle time in the cot with her before I get her up for the day. And ten minutes to a mum who has nothing else to do except stand in the cold waiting for the toddler to be satisfied is a long bloody time indeed. Ps. If you dare take the baby out of the cot after 9.99999 minutes instead of ten, then it is the end of the world.
#OhEmGeeWhyDoYouHaveToGoAllDramaticOnMe
Theory Number Four: The Toddlers Get Great Joy Out Of The Most Annoying Things In The World For No Other Reason Than They Are Annoying Theory.
Toddlers are cute but they can be so annoying for no good reason (other than because you hate it, of course).
Examples: Toddlers do fun things like flick the light on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off. Fark. Stop it. They know exactly how to make the blood boil, which of course is why they do it. Although my son pretends that he does it because it means it’s “party time”. Sigh. 7:30pm is not party time. It’s basically 4am on the toddler clock and he should be in bed fast asleep already.
However when I actually ask him politely to stop it, he throws his body to the ground and cries dramatically with his tongue hanging out. He LITERALLY cries out “WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” like a baby, and his tongue wiggles in such a way that it reminds me of Homer Simpson.
It can be quite hilarious to watch. In a frustrating AF kind of way.
#ILoveThemButDagnabitHowCanTheyBeSoAnnoyingAndSoCuteAtTheSameTime
Theory Number Five: The Because Toddlers Are Just Assholes Driven By Who The Frick Knows What Theory.
I think the name says it all here, and I think it is the most likely.
Toddlers are unexplainable, crazy little beings whose personalities are modelled after rollercoasters of the craziest kinds. They can’t help it, but from the ages of 2.5 to who-bloody-knows-when-it-will-end years old, they are little assholes.
I think they are just made that way, gawd love them. Except…Shit, that makes it our fault because we actually and physically made them.
How they get out of the asshole stage, I have no idea.
But bloody hell, may it end soon.
#ExceptThatIHeardSurlinessAndSassIsSureToFollowInAYearOrTwo
#Damnit
Did your toddler change after you had a new baby come into the family? Tell me all the crazy stuff they did in the comments box below, I would love to hear all about it! xx
