Sigh…mum life, hey?

Sometimes as a mum of two, I feel like my life is one big show but one that I don’t really understand. One where I never really know if it’s just a big laugh or not, or one where the joke is totally and always on me.

I wonder it ALL of the time. Do you?

Let me explain.

So, I spent the first 2 years of my eldest child’s life swanning about all serene and full of love, thinking that I was totally it and a bit. I had never felt such peace. I had never felt so calm. And I had never felt so damn sure of myself.


I had no idea what was coming, because we were about to enter “The Age Of Having to Tell The Toddler Off All Day Long To Stop Him From Doing Random And Weird Shit”. Yes, those strange and confusing times were just around the corner waiting to punch us right in the face.

And when they arrived they hit us with SUCH force that my husband and I would on occasion find ourselves staring at each other open-mouthed and wondering what the actual heck had just happened. Did we… I mean, did we actually… I mean, did we REAAAALLLLY just say that??!!

So many strange words just seemed to be slipping right out of our mouths…

Let me explain further.

So, I have a toddler who is three years old. Now, I never thought that toddlers could get any busier, than when they were two, but when they hit three-year old mark – boy oh boy do they REALLY up the ante!

And throwing a baby into the crazy and wild mix (who is also starting to get absurdly busy), now see’s me saying all kinds of things that I truly never thought that I would ever, ever, EVER say. Yes, the things that come out of my mouth these days are sometimes so shockingly weird that I honestly wonder about my own sanity. Who I am talking to? What I am doing? I just don’t know anymore.

So here are JUST a few of the weird and wonderful things that I have said over the last year or so that have honestly made me sit back and wonder “What the actual fuck did I just say?!”.

Crazy thing # 1 – I want to squeeze her so hard that her head pops off. 

Yes, I have said this so many times about soooooooo many babies, including both of my own. Because sometimes I really do just want to squeeze them so hard purely from loving them so much that I don’t know where to direct all of this overwhelming love. They are so cute.

I love them so much. I want to hug them so damn hard.

Rumour has it though, that it is an ACTUAL thing. I know this, because I read all about it on the ACTUAL Internet. Ok, so it was probably just someone making it up on Facebook as “Fake News” #GodILoveFakeNews, but I read it and my eyes wont un-see it.

I am not the only weirdo in the world, and that is good enough for me.

Crazy thing # 2 – Your sister’s head is not a donut. 

Now, my son loves nothing more than to squish his baby sisters cheeks until she looks like a donut. Even though she doesn’t seem to really mind, I find myself telling him to stop about 7 million times a day. Although, in all honestly she does look pretty cute when he squishes her cheeks that way, I really do feel obligated to make him stop.

I think about how grandmothers always pinch little kids cheeks and how those same kids hate it as they grow up. And I don’t want my little lady to resent being a donut, or to resent anything else about delicious donuts for that matter.

Crazy thing # 3. Hey! Stop trying to get the dog to lick your bum.

I never thought that these words would ever come out of my mouth. But they have, on way more occasions than I would care to admit.

I don’t know why it is a funny thing to do, or why the dog would even want to lick the toddlers butt (whatta weirdo), but every night the toddler and the dog will chase each other around the house – half of them screeching with laughter and the other half farting like a bloody animal with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, ready to lick whatever he can come into contact with.


Crazy thing # 4. Also, stop trying to look up the dogs bum hole please.

Little kids are such creeps sometimes. They absolutely love lifting up the tails of dogs (or cats) and trying to look up their bum hole. I can tell that the dog feels like it is a total breach of his privacy, and I don’t blame him. Because it is.

As soon as one of the kids lifts his tail, the dog twists around in shock as if to say “now what the actual fuck do you think that you are doing tiny human?”, before he wriggles out of their grip and runs away.

Protect your bum little doggie. Protect your bum.

Crazy thing # 5. If you do that one more time then I am throwing the TV away and we will have to all sit and talk to each other forever.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I say this because I am never going to throw the TV away (as much as I wish I would). I repeat, I will NEVER ever throw the TV away. Nope. Because I love zombie-ing out so much. I love The Bachelor. I love Married at First Sight. Damn it.

That TV is staying. Sorry me.

Crazy thing #6. Stop licking your sister.

When the toddler was really young, the hairy husband thought it would be funny to teach him to do “doggy licks” instead of kisses. Whilst he is slowly growing out of it, he still does it for laughs. Especially after I have tell him not to.

It shits me to tears, and I think he can sense that.

The baby on the other hand gets a real kick out of it, which totally encourages him further, so I am constantly telling him to “Please for the love of Oprah, stop LICKING HER!”.

Crazy thing # 7. Did you swallow your spew? Ok good.

This is more of a community service request to the wee babe. Because if she catches it with her own mouth and swallows it, then there is no clean up for me.

Enough said. Thanks.

Crazy thing # 8. Please, please, PLEASE stop trying to eat me. 

I forgot this about babies, but they are virtually cannibals when teething.

At the start it is kinda cute – feeling little gums chewing away on your chin or your cheek. It is so soft and gentle, kind of like teeny tiny slobbery kisses.

But once a few chompers cut through, it is no longer cute. Nope, instead it turns into a terrifying “Oh-My-God-I-Hope-My-Cheek-Is-Still-Intact-After-This” kind of game, as I dodge her wide-open and very chompy mouth. Gulp.

Crazy thing # 9. Don’t fart on your sister’s head!

To be honest, this doesn’t happen that much as the boy doesn’t actually fart that much, but when he does, it tends to be in the vicinity of his sister’s head. Or more correctly, on it. And he finds it hilarious. So do I. Not that I let him know that.

Crazy thing # 10. I am NOT a hippopotamus.

We were reading books about animals one day and the hippopotamus played a big part in one of them. And since then, every time he sees me in the shower – yes, you heard me – IN THE SHOWER – he always yells “Bye Hippopotamus” as he runs out the door. Giggling hysterically of course.

Though it always leaves me feeling a little sad inside… Because, I am NOT a hippopotamus…! No, right now I am naked and vulnerable, so thanks for that my sweet little three-year old. Sob Sob.

Crazy thing # 11. Get your fingers out of your bum. You just pooped.

What is it about little boys and wanting to touch all of the things? I don’t think that they really “get” germs at his age, or even care really, which is totally cool, however I would like him to keep his fingers away from his butt when he has literally just pooped. Sah gross.

Don’t touch me till you have washed those fingers four hundred times please.

It is even grosser than watching them lick and slurp their snot out of their own nostrils whilst saying “oooh yum!” in their tiny munchkin voices. Barf.

And you know what? There are so many MORE things that I honestly never thought that I would say as a mum but I think your eyes may be tired. So many things that, after I say it, makes me wonder if it actually really just happened. And I am sure with every inch of my grumpy mum self that there will be may more things, just like this (or even weirder) in the years to come.

But don’t worry! Because I will continue to write it all down to laugh at my children with as they get older. And then to sob over when they no longer need me. Coz that will happen eventually.

Damn it.

What things have you said to your kids that have made you sit back and think “WTAF” as soon as you have said it? Leave a comment below as I would love to know all about it! xxx