Aaaah, Kids. Crazy, Crazy Kids.

There is something about those teeny tiny humans of ours that can relentlessly push all of the buttons, and yet at the same time instil such a fierce love within us that it fills us almost to bursting.

So, I have recently been reading Am I Doing This Right? by Tanya Hennessy, and holy moly has it been making me laugh until I almost wee myself. And when I say “almost”, I mean I actually wee’d a little bit before. I can’t help it. Soz #MumLife.

Now, this book basically outlines all of the hilariously ridiculous things that Tanya has done in her life, in alphabetical order. And while reading it, it struck me that kids in general (mainly my son) could make up their own utterly ridiculous alphabet with all of the hilariously exhausting things that they do.

So, here it is.

The ABC’s of Crazy Kids.

A is for “Assholes”.

People may hate me for saying this, but sometimes kids can be nasty assholes. They fall out of your body all sweet and lovely, and then they realise that you won’t let them eat a box of tampons at the supermarket and they throw an epic tantrum and hate you for life. #Wait,AreWeTheAssholesOrAreThey.

B is for “Bare Bums”.

Oh my gosh I don’t know what it is about toddler boys but for some reason they constantly feel the need to take their clothes off and flash their bums to the world regardless of the weather. I don’t know why, and I never know when its going to happen. But I will literally blink and my fully clothed child will be off doing a nudie run down the street with his bestie.

C is for “Can’t Bloody Catch Them”.

My 3.5 year old son only has short legs, but boy oh boy can those legs move. He runs like he is a race car – weaving through strange people’s legs to get to the finish line of wherever-the-heck-it-is-that-his-parents-are-not. When we finally catch up to him he can usually be found break dancing in front of the Freezer section of Coles without a care in the world. Or in front of the sausage sizzle at Bunnings. #ProbablyWouldHaveSomehowScoredAFreeSausageWhileThereNoDoubt

D is for “Dramatic AF”.

My son, bless him, is so damn dramatic. He will never accept the word “no”, and he is filled with so much rage if we give him a simple instruction that he doesn’t want to do, like “please put your pants on because we are in the library”. He waits until EVERYONE is looking at him, before throwing open his mouth, throwing himself on the ground, flailing about and howling like a banshee.

A banshee with no pants on. Dramatic.

E is for “Extra”.

Why are kids so damn extra all the time? They can’t just go down the big slides on their butts like normal people. Oh no. Instead they must dive down the slide head first and cry when they bang their teeth at the bottom. And they can’t let any cool, older kids at the playground look at social media and ignore their friends in peace. No, instead they get all up in their face and smile or shake their butt until they are noticed and told they are cute lol. So extra.

F is for “Faaaaark”.

This word will be uttered more times than you can imagine once you have kids. It will generally be screamed inside your head once both kids have dropped the entire contents of their dinner on the floor for the dog to eat. Fark. It may also be muttered softly under your breath once you realise that there literally is poo all over the baby (and all over you). Fark. And it may be gargled when the baby throws up directly into your mouth. Fark. #ItHappens.

G is for “Gross Shit”. 

Kids do the grossest shit all of the time. They can’t help it. They eyeball you whilst licking their own runny green snot away from under their nose. And they will open their mouths for a tongue kiss from the dog. Sometimes they will physically chase the dog for one. Gross.

H is for “Hard”.

Sometimes being a parent is bloody hard. Harder than anything you have ever done in your life times a MILLION. But you are doing an awesome job keeping tiny people alive. And all of those shit stages pass. Please remember that when you want to toss the kids out of the actual window.

I is for being “Ignored”.

I don’t know if it is a boy thing or if it is an every child kind of thing, but I am ignored at least 4 million times a day. So, get used to repeating yourself until the point where your head is literally about to explode off your body with frustration. Coz only then will the kids hear you. Maybe. Actually, no probably not even then.

I am starting to suspect that ears (when it comes to children) are purely for show.

J is for “Jesus Why Are We Always Late To Everything?”

Admittedly my husband and I have never been that great in getting places on time, however since having kids we are late to EVERYTHING! It’s bloody hard to get prepared to go anywhere quickly, however on those rare days that you actually manage to physically get in the car on time, someone ALWAYS chooses that very moment to either spew on their clothes or “shart”. Which sets you back another half an hour.

K is for “‘Kay, Who Moved The TV Remote, And Where The Heck Did You Put It?” 

Somehow the TV remote has become the new favourite toy in our household, and this means that it is played with all the time and lost on many occasion. And that is TERRIFYING because Mumma needs to watch Netflix and zone out for half an hour while the baby sleeps. Like, NEEDS to.

Seriously. Needs to.

L is for “Licking… As In, Stop Licking Your Sister”.

I say this ALL THE TIME and can’t honestly understand why people are licked as much as they are in our household. Does the baby taste good? Really? Because she smells like spew. I don’t get it.

M is for “Mess”.

You will spend your life cleaning up all the mess, or yelling at other people to clean up all the mess. Which they will ignore every time. Because of the “ears are purely for show” reason that we discovered above.

N is for “NO! NO! NO!”

This will become the most hated word you will ever hear. When kids turn three-ish they will hurl this word angrily at you regardless of what you are asking them to do. Even if it is something that they usually want to do. Or most especially if you are asking them to do something healthy, like, eat their veggies. Or if you ask them to be quiet. No! No! No! No! NO!

O is for “Oh God What Is That Smell?”

We recently went on holidays and visited the beautiful ocean inlet at Currumbin. And while my husband wandered around in a calm and blissful state marvelling at the beauty of our surroundings, I continuously sniffed the air, wondering what the heck that smell was.

As it turns out, it was my daughters bum. It was bad. And it was everywhere.

P is for “Peeing In Peace”. 

Oh this is just like a Unicorn, in that it doesn’t exist. You will never ever Pee In Peace (PIP) again. Instead you will probably pee with someone sitting on your lap who is desperately trying to pick your nose at the same time, against your will. Sorry.

Q is for “Quiet! I Cant Hear Myself Think!”

I never thought I would say this, but sometimes kids are so loud that you literally will not be able to hear your own thoughts. And sometimes they scream so loud (happily mind you) that I have actually expected my ear drums to burst.

R is for “Resting”.

Resting once you become a parent? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ‘Nough said.

S is for “Snot Everywhere”.

I used to be someone who judged kids with runny noses. How gross, I thought. Why can’t someone wipe that poor little child’s nose, I wondered. But now I realise that there are not enough tissues in the world to keep on top of a kids nose when it’s runny. Especially one who is teething, or who goes to childcare. Nope. You literally have to stuff tissues up inside the poor kids nostrils to have any chance of being remotely snot free.

And snot will end up everywhere. On your clothes. On their clothes. In their mouths. On their eyebrows (don’t ask me how). Everywhere.

T is for “Talking Back All The Time”.

I am not sure if there is a special school that kids go to, to learn about “Talking Back”, but they sure are all top-level experts at it shockingly early on in life. It’s like an extreme sport sometimes. And it’s the total pits.

U is for “Um, Can We Get A Refund On The Kids”.

Some days are so damn tough, that you will seriously consider getting a refund on your children. Except you can’t take them back. I tried. #NoReturns

V is for “Very Bossy For A Tiny Person”.

My daughter is already super bossy and she is only 10 tiny months old. She lets me know in no uncertain terms when she expects to be cuddled. Which is all the time. ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME.

#WhatTheHeckIsSheGoingToBeLikeWhenSheGetsBigger

W is for “Why Do I Have To Remember Where The Toy Is That You LITERALLY Just Had In Your Hand”.

Why is it, that as parents, we are expected to remember everything for EVERYONE ELSE?! My son puts a toy car down and literally TWO SECONDS LATER asks me where it is. Or demands that I go and find it for him. No. Fark. If you can’t find it, it’s gone. #ExceptIProbablyWillGoAndLookForItBecauseIHateLosingThings

X is for “X-Ray Vision”.

As a parent you will have to develop the ability to see behind you, and sometimes even through walls to see what the kids are sneakily doing. You just have to. It’s for your own sanity and survival. And to protect the house from the peanut butter they are trying to smear all over the walls.

Y is for “Yo-Yo’ing Emotions”. 

Toddlers constantly experience MAJOR yo-yo’ing emotions. One second you are liked and the very next second you are hated by the aforementioned overwhelmed-by-life toddler, and life is a bloody rollercoaster because of it. Nothing is more extreme in life than a toddler with mood swings.

Z is for ‘Zombie”.

This is what you will feel like for the first few years of your child’s life. A totally exhausted Zombie. You wont want to eat brains unless of course they are cooked for you, because you will be too tired to lift your arms and actually cook anything.

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But, regardless of all of this craziness that will permeate your life with kids, one thing remains constant. How much love you have in your heart and soul for your mini people. And how much joy and richness they bring to your lives. Ok, so that is two things, but still…

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So, there you have it. There is your A-Z list of life with kids. I hope you enjoyed it, and I would love to hear what words you would use to describe life with kids too? Leave me a comment below as I would love to read all about it xxx