People, people, people. Sighs *shakes head*. I am SHOCKED over here, and I honestly think that my brain is starting to go numb from all of these thoughts about parenthood. Oh, wait… the numbness could just be because I don’t sleep any more due to a toddler who desperately tries to move himself into our bedroom at least 4000 times a night.

Yes, but what are you shocked about? You ask. Well, let me tell you, I creepily reply, whilst sitting on the toilet with another tiny person on my lap who has their whole body essentially wrapped around mine. #NoPrivacyEver

I think that there is a total lack of information for couples who are thinking about starting a family about the REAL shit they are going to have to face once they become parents. There is also a real lack of it for parents whose kids are heading into turdler-ville, I mean toddler-ville.

I am ALSO sure that there is a big ole’ fat zilch-o on the info front for parents with older kids too. Like how to deal with the insanity of puberty and then what to do when they turn into asshole teenagers and beyond. You see my point?

I mean, there are plenty of books on parenting. There really are. And you could spend your life reading them. But one thing they DONT tell you is that life with kids can be fucking hard and that sometimes there is just nothing you can do to make it easier. Every kid is different, and that SOMETIMES that the only thing you can do to get through those tough times is just to give it MORE time. To ride it out baby, because even if your kid is going through a total jerk-head phase and its all feeling a bit much, well it’s terrifyingly and annoyingly bloody normal. And you will ALWAYS get through it. #Truth

I spent have spent my entire parenthood journey wondering (and sometimes shouting at the top of my lungs), WHAT IS GOING ON??!! And why the frick anyone tell me that it would be like this? Yes, yes, yes, of course it is so rewarding and all of that, but it is so fucking hard at the same time! Whyyyyyyy?!

And the one thing that I have realised in answer to this question, is that people don’t share the WHOLE TRUTH about parenthood that often. Yerp, there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much shit that people SHOULD tell you but they don’t, and I think that could be for many reasons…

It could be self censorship so you think they have all their shit together (when they actually don’t). It could be self-consciousness (coz they don’t want you to know that they fuck up parenting sometimes (like we all do). It could be politeness out of fear (because they don’t actually want to scare ten colours of SHIT out of you when you are pregnant with a tiny human). And it could honestly be that they blocked out their whole memory due to post-traumatic stress and that they don’t remember a single skerrick of their children early (or later) years lol. #ITotallyGetThatLol

But it could also be because they know one small little thing. And that is that even when they tell you what it is really like, YOU WONT ACTUALLY HEAR THEM UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO. Or, more accurately, you don’t WANT to hear them until you are ready to, so their words are essentially empty, until you are elbows deep in it beside them.

And really, why would you want to hear it?

Because here you are embarking on the most exciting, unknown and EPIC life changing experience EVER, and you really don’t want to hear about the shit bits. Because it’s terrifying enough as it is. You only want to hear the good stuff to reaffirm that you are doing the right thing in the world and that it is magical and beautiful and that you will be an incredible parent. Which you WILL be. Truly. But you will also fuck things up most of the time. You wont be able to help it.

It’s parenthood, and it’s kinda hard.

And you WONT want to hear that even though you love your kids more than you can possibly imagine, that somedays you will be so overwhelmed by all of their egocentric and demanding ways that you will seriously consider catching an infectious disease that requires a hospital stay just to get some peace and quiet. #DesperateTimesAndAllOfThat

NO-ONE WILL TELL YOU THAT!

So I thought that I would do a community service tonight for new parents and tell you aaaaall about the shit they don’t tell you when you are pregnant, about parenthood… And life after babies.

Actually I will just tell you some of it. Because if I tried to tell you all of it then your eyeballs run the risk of literally drying up and falling out of your head #WeWillBeHereForEternity

So are just a few truth bombs that you should know. And sorry to any of my baby making friends…sorry that I didn’t tell you this earlier.

  • Truth Bomb # 1. Falling in love with your baby. So, the first truth bomb is that it takes TIME to really fall head over heels in love with your baby. It doesn’t ALWAYS punch you in the face the second you hold the babe in your arms. I mean, you have connected with the baby for 9 whole months while you were growing it, sure, but once it is born it is still in all respects, a tiny stranger. It is NOT like in the movies. So be kind to yourself. You WILL fall in love with it as you get to know your baby and its personality, and you will love it hard. Just give yourself time.
  • Truth Bomb # 2. Some days after having your baby, you will cry. You will feel mentally shit because you are exhausted (and everyone feels like shit on no sleep). And don’t forget that you are trying to learn what a very demanding tiny person wants even though they don’t yet speak a lick of English yet. Oh and you still may be trying to establish feeding so your tiny person might be extra ragey from hunger. But it WILL pass. You WILL find your groove. And you will be the best damn mumma there is.
  • Truth Bomb # 3. Parenthood is fucking hard. In fact, there is no harder job in this world. It is relentless, you never get a break, and sometimes you will wonder if you can even go on. But you can. And you do. Coz you are a bloody legend.
  • Truth Bomb # 4. Some days, when the kids are pushing ALL OF THE BUTTONS and you are filled with so much rage that you think you are about to lose your mind, your frustration will bubble on up out of you, and you will scream at the top of your lungs. Like, you will literally stand in the middle of your kitchen and howl with rage. Your neighbours may think you are dying but it’s the only outlet you probably have. So use it. Scream it out, baby.
  • Truth Bomb # 5. I am so sorry to say this, but the terrible two’s are a walk in the park. Terrifyingly, “The Year Of The Three Year Old Turdburgler” is MUCH WORSE. So when your child turns three you need to seriously buckle the fuck up coz the next year is going to be off the charts cray-cray. I may mentally block it out for the next few years or so.

Read about my crazy 3 year old here.

  • Truth Bomb # 6. There are some days where you are so exhausted and overwhelmed, that you will look in the mirror and you wont even recognise yourself any more. You will always put your kids first at the expense of your own happiness (errrrrm, or cleanliness), and you will forget all of the things that make you YOU.  But its not forever babe you ARE STILL IN THERE. You will find yourself again, and things will be ok.
  • Truth Bomb # 7. You will wish away your days a lot, because you will be so tired that you will just be constantly focused on how long there is left in the day before it is time to toss the kids in bed so you can have that desperately needed break. Except then you will generally be too tired yourself to enjoy it and you will fall asleep on your couch in front of Netflix with a half eaten block of chocolate hanging out of your mouth. #Truth

Read about how I wished my days away here – as featured on Motherhood Melbourne.

  • Truth Bomb # 8. There is a period of time, before your child can talk, where you will find yourself bored shitless. This is when you have one child only mind you, because when you have had a second child you have literally no time to be bored because your toddler will not stop talking ever. But with one child it is kind of draining to constantly entertain someone who can’t talk back, and who spends their days just staring blankly at you. Fark. Tough audience.

Read about my experience with one baby only here.

  • Truth Bomb # 9. Toddlers will hold you hostage with their emotions. From about three years onwards, they take you on SUCH a rollercoaster of ups and downs and its fucking hard to keep up. Somedays you will be pushed so hard by your toddler who will scream at you and tell you they don’t want you, and in the very next breath they tell you how much they love you and that you are their very best friend. Fucking. Rollercoaster. Love the “sorry for being a jerk” cuddles though.
  • Truth Bomb # 10. Toddlers will literally talk until your ears bleed. At the start it’s amazing because they want to know so much and you impress the shit out of yourself by how MUCH you actually know #IAmFuckingEinstien . But then other days you will be asked a simple question like “Mumma, why cant Bailey come over to play today” and you answer it, but then your child will proceed to ask you THE SAME DAMN THING another ten times in a row, then you will curse the day your mini person learned English.

Read all about Toddlers and their endless questions here.

  • Truth Bomb # 11. Teething is a stupid and unnecessary process. It is awful. And it keeps EVERYONE up at night. Even though only one person in the house actually has teeth coming through, it is bloody painful for everyone. And you know what? In the end, eating a steak is totally overrated. Stupid bloody teeth.

Read about what I would say to the Tooth Fairy if given half the chance, here.

  • Truth Bomb # 12. Everyone thinks they know more than you about YOUR kids, and it will constantly fill you (cough, me) with rage. A friend once warned me about this but I never really got it till I had my own. As a real example. Your child could be playing and having the best time of their life and then they will head off into the garden to have a super quick wee before running back to play again. Ten minutes later they will want another wee, so the responsible adults you are with will insist your child has a UTI and that you must take them to the doctor immediately. #UmNoHeIsFineButThanksLoveYouAnyway
  • Truth Bomb # 13. Tantrums are fucked. Before you have kids you think that YOUR kid will never do anything like that #SmugJerk but I am so sorry to tell you this, they will. It’s a right of passage. Its awful, its unreasonable, its ridiculous and its as frustrating AF, but all kids have them and yours will too. It doesn’t make you a shit parent, it just means you have a normal child and that you are going to be embarrassed in Bunnings and Coles more times that you would care to imagine.

Read all about Toddlers and their damn tantrums here – as seen over at Threads For Boys

  • Truth Bomb # 14. You will never poo in peace. Ever. Actually, neither will your child. I read somewhere once that there has never been anyone EVER that will look more intently into your eyes than a toddler trying to do a poo (source: unknown), and let me tell you that it’s so true. My kid tries to steal all of the secrets from my soul whilst pooing. Its so intense and kinda weird, but you just gotta go with it. And just so you know, your kids will want to sit on your lap or climb all over you while you are poo’ing. They could probably eat their lunch quite happily from there too. They truly don’t care, the weirdo’s.
  • Truth Bomb # 15. Somedays you will be so exhausted that you will Just. Feel. Fucking. Angry. At. Everything. This happens way too often while your child is in the toddler-tantrum phase because they push all of your buttons and try their damnedest to break you. It’s ok, you are a good person and a GREAT parent but on those days you will hate life. Just remember that every day ends and tomorrow will be better.
  • Truth Bomb # 16. You Will Feel Guilt Over EVERYTHING, you can’t help it. I think that you go into parenthood thinking that you will do right by your children. That you will protect them in every way. That you will show them the right way of doing things. That you will be there for them whenever they need you. But sometimes you wont do these things. Sometimes you CANT do these things. And you will feel such a ridiculous and overwhelming amount of guilt. But you have to remember that you cant be there all the time and WHAT you are feeling crazy guilt over, your kids probably haven’t even really noticed, or they will forget about it in 30 seconds. Kids are way more resilient and more forgiving than you think. If you love them and show them that all the time then they will be fine. Trust me.
  • Truth Bomb # 17. You wont be able to watch the news anymore because you will be terrified of what could happen to your kids. This definitely happened to me and a lot of other mothers I know. I can’t hear about anyone getting killed, especially if it’s a child. I honestly can’t cope with it nowadays. It makes me worry so, and it always SEEMS to hit way too close to home. I already worry enough about what will happen to my kids based on my own experiences. I don’t want to worry about everything else happening in the world as well.
  • Truth Bomb # 18. Kids go through sleep regressions some time between 3 and 4 years of age, and it will make you hate life with a vengeance. Getting up multiple times during the night to talk about a tiny persons bum or to discuss current events or how they want their best friend to see their latest hair cut is NOT something that I want to be doing 3+ times a night. #NoThanks #MaybeYouCouldDreamAboutItInsteadDude Again, it will pass. I hope. So just breathe until it does.
  • Truth Bomb # 19. Sometimes you will love your kids SO MUCH that it is actually kind of painful. And you some days will miss them even when they are right next to you. It’s so farked and hard to believe, but it’s true.
  • Truth Bomb # 20. Kids don’t listen to reason. They want what they want regardless of how unreasonable their request is. Don’t give in, even though #TantrumsOnTheDirtyFloorInTheMiddleOfColesWILLHappen. You just have ride it out. But don’t let it get to you because they don’t know how to handle their own big emotions yet and they don’t honestly know what they are doing. And because of this behaviour you will sometimes find yourself questioning even why you even had kids in the first place.

But, at the end of all of this, you will still feel so much love for your kids. And you will catch yourself staring at them in quiet moments, wondering how you could have made someone as wonderful and as hilarious as this little person in front of you.

Because although the trying days are so fucking tough that you will want to toss in the towel, they will give you so much joy and so much love in return that it makes every shit day just melt away…

So hang onto that mumma, breathe through those rough days, because these little humans are your greatest achievement, and at the end of it all, those shining faces so full of love make this parenthood thing so bloody worth it.

What do you wish someone told you about parenthood before you had kids? Leave me a comment below and tell me all about it xxx