Sigh. The hardest thing about being a mumma, is about experiencing all of that gosh dang mumma guilt. Yep, that all encompassing and irritating as hell mumma guilt. *Shakes fist at the Mumma Gods in the sky*.
I actually have an incredible friend who doesn’t experience a single lick of mumma guilt. Never. Nope. Nada. None. I am so in awe of her and that completely legendary confidence that she has in herself. Want it. Need it. Don’t have it. Damn it.
Now don’t get me wrong – I KNOW that I am a kickass mum. I know that with every inch of my body and soul. The only thing is, I still experience crazy levels of that mumma guilt every damn day! Sigh again.
When I was on maternity leave, I didn’t really feel guilt of any kind. I was home with the kids every single day and because of that I feel like I was able to give them my absolute all. Well, sometimes I gave them about 50% of me because I was tired, and occasionally bored out of my brain. But that was ok because I was entertaining those tiny little demanding munchkin heads, and giving them an unequivocally huge 100% the rest of the time.
I seriously swanned through those glorious twelve months happier than I had ever felt before in my life. I loved every single second of every single day, even when some of those days kinda sucked.
But then I went back to work.
And that was when things changed for me.
Work has always been incredibly busy for me… Busy enough to make me get a stress sweat moustache on a daily basis. #TrueStory But since going back this time, it has gotten even worse. I still absolutely love my job, however this time around I have been given more work to look after than I can possibly handle and it has left me feeling off centre.
I feel frazzled, constantly under pressure and overwhelmed and like I am failing at everything.
I mean, I used to feel organised and completely over everything and now I can’t even remember a conversation I had the week prior. I am in a constant fog, barely knowing who I am or what I am doing.
And that feeling has started coming home with me.
That suffocation. That overwhelm. The damn guilt from the knowledge that I have taken on so much in life that it has led me to do a piss poor effort at everything and anything.
When I am home I no longer feel like I am able to be truly present with the kids or even my husband as I am constantly thinking about the 400 million things that I should do to move myself and my family forward. I feel the pressure to be better. To be more present. To earn more to get us financially back into a positive position after those twelve months of maternity leave. To truly be there for the kids.
But I also feel the pressure (self inflicted) to turn my blog into something. To start that damn podcast I have been thinking about for the last 6 months. To write that book that I have been thinking about for even longer than that. To grow my email list. To “be” someone, and to help those other mumma’s that I would love to help.
And the saddest thing is that I think my kids are missing out on the best of me too.
And that is where that damn guilt eats me alive. Guilt in that I am trying to do everything and instead I am ending up actually doing nothing. Guilt in that I will never get this time back with the kids. Guilt that I am not doing more with the kids. Guilt that I should be working harder too. Guilt that I am not making money from the blog already. Guilt that I am not courageous enough (even though I honestly thought that I was previously) to make things happen. Guilt that I am not giving enough to my husband either. Guilt that he feels that he has been cast aside.
It could just be my personality. Or a trait that has been passed on through my Italian heritage perhaps, but the damn guilt is everywhere. The mumma guilt. The work guilt. The professional guilt. The wife guilt. The damn everything guilt.
And I don’t know how I will cast it aside, but cast it aside I know that I must. I must find my place in the world or at least come to peace with where I am right now. I must slow down somehow and find the love and beauty in the moment. And I must put those kids and my family first, in whatever form it is right for me to take.
So wish my luck whilst I search for a way to make my life the way that I want it. Love-filled, joy-filled, and guilt free.
Are you feeling the same way as me? What do you do to make peace with it? Leave me a comment below as I would love to hear from you on this xxx