Prelude: This is the third instalment in my Diary Of My Miscarriage Series.
This series was going to be the “Diary Of My Pregnancy” however, as we know, things don’t always turn out how we hope, do they?
I began this series before we knew our baby was lost, and this is the first week when I really start to feel like something could potentially be wrong… And it was.
These instalments from when I thought I was still pregnant are just as important to me as the miscarriage itself, and as such, I feel compelled to share them with you. Thank you for reading them x
Ok, Ok. This week I am starting to wonder… Am I fat? Or is it the baby?
The baby is only as big as a raspberry this week. Apparently.
Do you think it’s too early to blame my growing size on it? Or do you think its blatantly obvious how much cheese and chocolate I have been eating? What?! Don’t look at me like that, I am tired lol.
We couldn’t help it. We told some friends this week.
Yes, I know! We are ridiculous and have big mouths. Well, the husband does… he seems to be telling everyone at work, and any friends that call him just to say hi. It wouldn’t surprise me if he puts a sign up in the street so strangers passing by can hear the good news.
So, our doctor’s appointment last week went well.
I had a whole bunch of bloods taken and I just have to go back in this week to get the results.
My doctor has decided that we are going to do the super big blood test this time to check for any issues. It’s more accurate than the 12-week ultrasound – in fact, I think it can even tell us what our baby’s favourite colour of undies will be when it turns 20 – but it also means that I don’t get to see our baby until … I think … sometime around 18-20 weeks.
Gawd, I wish he would order me an ultrasound though because I am DYING to see our little tiny person already. I love it so much already, I just want to see it!
The kids are so excited about their future brother or sister.
They keep making me open my mouth so they can shout down messages to the baby. Who, as of this week, has been affectionately named Bruno. Lol.
I feel quite emotional this week, especially after a big meal.
Food makes me want to cry. The washing makes me want to cry. The sunshine makes me want to cry. Air makes me want to cry. The fact that it’s a day ending in “y” makes me want to cry. I guess the hormones are going wild already? I never experienced this with my first two… or at least not that I can remember.
I don’t think I can eat as much as I used to in one go. Food seems to just sit in my throat for ages until my body decides to digest it, and that leaves me with meal regret all day every day sigh.
I have another doctors appointment coming up this week.
It will give me the results of last weeks blood tests, and tell me all of the things that I am lacking.
I am totally looking forward to it. Jokes.
My body has been experiencing all of these little niggly aches and pains.
They are subtle sensations, not too strong. But they feel so familiar from my other pregnancies.
I’ve felt a gentle gentle stretching, although that could also be all the cake I ate yesterday. I’ve also felt a slight heaviness, though I don’t feel any “fullness” yet. I thought I would have felt something by now and keep feeling my lower tummy, but it must still be too early.
Oh, and I also feel an increased desire to lay down a lot, as well as an increased level of irritability. Though I suspect my husband would say my irritability levels are just the same as usual lol.
Because I haven’t seen this baby yet or heard it’s heartbeat, I wander around half the time wondering if it’s actually still in there.
“How are you going little baby?” I whisper from time to time. “Please be ok”.
I remember that feeling well from the first two pregnancies. Even when things are ok you still worry…
It is not later in the week as I write this, and I am now feeling nervous and anxious.
My “symptoms” have all disappeared, and I don’t know what to make of that.
I saw the doctor yesterday to get my last lot of blood test results. Everything was fine, but after I got my results, I jokingly asked him if I was still definitely pregnant.
He paused, looked at the screen where all my blood test results were and said “Oh, I didn’t actually check that… But this is the third time you have been through it all before and know what to look for, you had a positive pregnancy test result, you still don’t have your period, you are feeling all of those sensations… You know you are pregnant, so I’m comfortable…”
He then said “I can do another blood test for you if you want”, to which I replied “No, it’s fine.”
I wish I had said yes, but I didn’t.
And so I spent the rest of yesterday wondering if I am actually definitely pregnant because, between you and me, I don’t feel it anymore.
I didn’t feel pregnant with my son either, but for some reason this time I am worried…
And then today began…
I went to the toilet earlier, and there was a little bit of spotting.
Could I have scratched myself without realising? I am so desperate for that to be the case. I am probably overreacting, but I am feeling so scared all of a sudden that I am going to lose this baby.
A miscarriage. I can’t face that. It can’t happen.
It’s our last chance to have a baby and I want it so damn badly.
Please, please let me be overreacting.
I had such big plans for today. I wanted to clean the house, go for a walk, and power through some kinder work, but now I’m too scared to move. I’m almost too scared to breathe.
I have thrown the TV on to enterain the kids so I can just lay here and focus inward. I need to focus on the baby.
I don’t want to move. I need to be still. Don’t let this be a miscarriage.
Please, please please let the baby be ok.
My son is 5 years old and won’t stop talking. I am on the verge of losing my mind.
I just want to scream “SHUT UP! IM FREAKING OUT THAT IM LOSING THE BABY! I THINK THIS IS TURNING INTO A MISCARRAIGE, AND I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS QUESTION RIGHT NOW! I NEED TO FOCUS, PLEASE JUST LET ME FOCUS ON THE BABY”. But I don’t. I am screaming it on the inside, but I say nothing.
I just shut my eyes, focus on the baby, and just breathe.
Let’s just hope I can get through today ok.
Please don’t let this be a miscarriage.
Please let this baby be ok.
Stay tuned for the next instalment of this Diary of A Miscarriage Series…
If this post triggers anything for you, then then please reach out to the following groups that can offer assistance, guidance, or more infomation.