I am 13 weeks pregnant now.

This whole being pregnant thing is confusing this time around. Am I starting to feel better? Is it…Is that off feeling, that awfulness gone? Am I ok? What’s happening? Where am I? Questions I seem to be asking myself every day at the moment.

Maybe its wishful thinking. You know, that if I THINK that I am not so exhausted, or if I THINK that I am not totally about to pass out standing up, then maybe I wont? Sigh.

This pregnancy stuff is way more exhausting than I remember with my first wee man. All I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am asleep even when I am awake, and I don’t think I have been this tired EVER before… Both in the body and in the mind. Dear god can I please just lay down and sleep??

But, maybe I really am starting to feel slightly better… I mean, I don’t have the weird open throat feeling that I had before. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s almost like my throat is so open, that there was nothing standing in the way of me and vomiting my breakfast all over the kitchen, except through sheer will of my mind.

And, actually this week I don’t seem to have as heavy a lump in my chest. I don’t have that brick-like feeling. And the refluxey feeling that I was experiencing is starting to lesson… So I really do think I feel ok! Hooray!

So. Where are we up to? Well, our son has been sick for a couple of weeks now. And when I say sick, I mean screamingly, non-sleepingly, covered in a hideous rash and a double ear infection ta-boot kind of sick. It’s been tough and exhausting. I am starting to feel like I haven’t slept since the 1940’s. And I wasn’t even alive then. Go figure. And I am flat as a tack.

My little red-faced sore skinned baby is losing his baby mind from pain and exhaustion and my husband and I are slowly losing our minds right along with him. We are getting really mad at each other because of our sleep deprivation and it’s not good. And this feeling of hopelessness, and helplessness is making me feel so stressed that I cannot stand it.

I know that I will be fine when our son gets better. But right now I honestly feel lower than I have in a long time. Sleep deprivation and a child continuously screaming in your face in pain does that to you.

I have to just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. It will be ok.

And yet somewhere in the back of my mind I am worried sick.

Worried about my first-born. Worried about how my low feelings and the stress we are feeling right now will affect the baby in my belly. Wishing I could see it already. Hear its heartbeat. Know that it was ok.

And oh my gosh I wish I could feel some energy again. I would love to walk up the stairs without my heart thumping uncontrollably when I get to the top. I would love to not have to feel the need to lie down constantly. But anyway.

Only a million months to go till this sweet baby is born.

We had our first scan today. Finally!

Our first-born threw an absolute tantrum in the waiting room, but thankfully my husband was on hand to help while I sat there and concentrated on NOT peeing my pants from all the water I drank that morning to “prep” for the ultrasound.

But we saw the baby. And when I saw it I breathed a sigh of relief. I know its daft, but even though I already feel like half a whale and definitely “feel” pregnant, there was a point somewhere deep inside me that wondered if I was making it up. I had wondered if we would even see anything when we had the ultrasound. And because of that, even though I had tentatively been excited up until now, I hadn’t really dared to truly believe it and get excited until after I saw the baby. And knew it was there and ok.

We seem to worry about our kids from the very second they are conceived. Its kind of funny that, how much you worry about them before you even meet them!

The baby wiggled around. They didn’t let us hear the heartbeat, but the Sonographer said that it was all fine and beating like mad. She was busy and rushed through everything which was kind of disappointing and we left confused about whether the baby was really ok or not.

But we will see how we go at our hospital appointment in 2 weeks time.

Which came around quicker than you can say “dear god get me a chocolate biscuit”.

We went to the hospital for our first midwife appointment and met one of the lovely midwives on our team who could potentially be at the birth of our child. And she was a hoot. Hilarious. She made us so comfortable and at ease and because of that we started to really look forward to our impending labour. Which is exactly the way it should be, I think.

Actually, you know what? I really AM starting to feel better! In fact, you know what? I am enjoying being pregnant now! Woohoo! Thank goodness!

God, to think that we will soon have another baby running around. Well flopping around is probably more accurate terminology, but it really is funny to think that we will be doing it all again soon.

Teething, sleepless nights, learning to settle, poop explosions, full bellied baby laughs, and stupid amounts of love. What a lot to look forward to…

Only 22 weeks to go.

Are you pregnant yourself? How far along are you, and how are you feeling? Leave a comment below and tell me all about it. I am off to get some ice-cream so I can really enjoy your comments, and probably cry a bit. xxx