I am so overwhelmed by fear these days.

Of everything. Of nothing. Of things that don’t make sense and things that do.

I am walking around with this constant sick feeling in my stomach like something is about to happen and I cannot control it. Or that nothing is going to happen and tomorrow will be exactly the same as today. I don’t think that its normal and I don’t think that its right. But that is my existence today. It might not be how I feel tomorrow, but today it is here and today I am crippled by it.

I am so scared of what I am and what I am not that I am losing my ability to think clearly and move forward.

I am scared of living my current life where I am constantly yearning to be something… more. And yet I am scared of giving myself over completely to becoming greater, giving it my all, and failing at it. So I continue to sit here, scared that I will never be good at anything. Scared that I will be. I am scared that I am being too selfish. Or not being selfish enough at all.

I don’t want to just sit here and do nothing, and yet I am scared of turning into an exhausted and sickened version of my current self by doing more. I am scared of it all being for nothing. I am scared that it will all be too much.

I am scared of losing myself. I am scared of taking a step forward, and losing what I stand for. But, I don’t know what I stand for. How the hell can I be 34 years old and not really know what I stand for?

…It’s because I am too scared to figure it out…

I guess I stand for what others tell me to stand for because I am too scared to tell them if I feel differently to them. I am scared of creating displeasure in others, and because of that I am scared of saying something they do not like in case I lose more than I was desperately wanting to gain. Yes, I would rather do what others want rather than stand up for myself and having them get angry at me or upset. I am terrified of confrontation. The very idea of that makes me feel sickened to my very core.

I am scared of other people being disappointed with me. I am scared of letting those around me down. I am scared of hurting other people’s feelings. I am too scared to say no. I physically cannot say it most of the time. My mouth opens and nothing comes out. No sound. Nothing but complete and utter fear.

And I worry all of the time.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.com

I worry that I am not good enough. I worry that I am not interesting enough. I worry that I am not funny enough. I worry that I bore people. I worry that I laugh too much. Or not enough. I worry that my jokes will be taken the wrong way. And sometimes once I have made a joke, I will replay it in my head thinking about how I should never have said it, and hating myself for even letting those words cross my lips.

I worry that I am not attractive enough. I worry that I am not skinny enough. I worry that I haven’t done my makeup well enough because I really don’t know what I am doing. I worry that my lips are too wonky or that my nose is too big. I worry that my hair is too fluffy or that my teeth are too crooked. I worry that my eyes are too small and am scared that someone will see my old wrinkly, eczema damaged hands and laugh at me (it has happened, they are gross). I am worried that someone might see my body because I hate it so much, therefore they obviously will too.

I worry that I am worthless and that I am not good enough. Never good enough.

I worry that my fear is crippling me. I worry that I am holding myself back. I worry that I am missing out on living the amazing life that I know is out there waiting for me. Just waiting for me to go out there and live it.

Yes, I feel this way today. I hope to god that I don’t tomorrow, but today I do. And it is filling my mind.

And I don’t want my son to ever feel the way I do. So I am going to have to show him something else. Something greater, more confident, more comfortable with life. Something completely different to me now. Yes, something that I am not.

Because I know that I am my biggest block. My biggest enemy. My biggest frustration. My biggest critic. And I do not want that for him. He IS more. He can be great. He cannot be like me.

So I have to find the way to be more. I CAN be more. I MUST be more. So much more than this skin bag which is filled with nothing but fear. I feel the possibilities are lurking just beneath the surface. Those possibilities of being something more.

I just have to take a deep breath, and reach out and grab them. Take those chances. Create my own life, my destiny. Just breathe in Ellyn. Breathe, and do it.

Breathing in… here I go…

 

Are you your own worst critic?? Do you ever feel like you are holding yourself back? Please leave me a comment below and let me know what you are grappling with right now…xxx

By the way… Studies from the University of mummalifelovebaby (MLLBU) show that people who subscribe to the mummalifelovebaby website are more hilarious and attractive than most other people. Since you don’t want to be either weird-looking or as boring as a blade of grass, then you had better sign up now!  

And if you DO sign up now (seriously, do it), then you will receive my free mini ebook – “3 amazing things that you MUST do with chocolate”. YOU LUCKY THING! I mean, HELLO! Chocolate!

xxxxx