I am so overwhelmed by fear these days.

Of everything. Of nothing. Of things that don’t make sense and things that do.

I am walking around with this constant sick feeling in my stomach like something is about to happen and I cannot control it. Or that nothing is going to happen and tomorrow will be exactly the same as today. I don’t think that its normal and I don’t think that its right. But that is my existence today. It might not be how I feel tomorrow, but today it is here and today I am crippled by it.

I am so scared of what I am and what I am not that I am losing my ability to think clearly and move forward.

I am scared of living my current life where I am constantly yearning to be something… more. And yet I am scared of giving myself over completely to becoming greater, giving it my all, and failing at it. So I continue to sit here, scared that I will never be good at anything. Scared that I will be. I am scared that I am being too selfish. Or not being selfish enough at all.

I don’t want to just sit here and do nothing, and yet I am scared of turning into an exhausted and sickened version of my current self by doing more. I am scared of it all being for nothing. I am scared that it will all be too much.

I am scared of losing myself. I am scared of taking a step forward, and losing what I stand for. But, I don’t know what I stand for. How the hell can I be 34 years old and not really know what I stand for?

…It’s because I am too scared to figure it out…

I guess I stand for what others tell me to stand for because I am too scared to tell them if I feel differently to them. I am scared of creating displeasure in others, and because of that I am scared of saying something they do not like in case I lose more than I was desperately wanting to gain. Yes, I would rather do what others want rather than stand up for myself and having them get angry at me or upset. I am terrified of confrontation. The very idea of that makes me feel sickened to my very core.

I am scared of other people being disappointed with me. I am scared of letting those around me down. I am scared of hurting other people’s feelings. I am too scared to say no. I physically cannot say it most of the time. My mouth opens and nothing comes out. No sound. Nothing but complete and utter fear.

And I worry all of the time.

The Fear That I Live With - Image Courtesy of Pixabay.com

Image courtesy of Pixabay.com

I worry that I am not good enough. I worry that I am not interesting enough. I worry that I am not funny enough. I worry that I bore people. I worry that I laugh too much. Or not enough. I worry that my jokes will be taken the wrong way. And sometimes once I have made a joke, I will replay it in my head thinking about how I should never have said it, and hating myself for even letting those words cross my lips.

I worry that I am not attractive enough. I worry that I am not skinny enough. I worry that I haven’t done my makeup well enough because I really don’t know what I am doing. I worry that my lips are too wonky or that my nose is too big. I worry that my hair is too fluffy or that my teeth are too crooked. I worry that my eyes are too small and am scared that someone will see my old wrinkly, eczema damaged hands and laugh at me (it has happened, they are gross). I am worried that someone might see my body because I hate it so much, therefore they obviously will too.

I worry that I am worthless and that I am not good enough. Never good enough.

I worry that my fear is crippling me. I worry that I am holding myself back. I worry that I am missing out on living the amazing life that I know is out there waiting for me. Just waiting for me to go out there and live it.

Yes, I feel this way today. I hope to god that I don’t tomorrow, but today I do. And it is filling my mind.

And I don’t want my son to ever feel the way I do. So I am going to have to show him something else. Something greater, more confident, more comfortable with life. Something completely different to me now. Yes, something that I am not.

Because I know that I am my biggest block. My biggest enemy. My biggest frustration. My biggest critic. And I do not want that for him. He IS more. He can be great. He cannot be like me.

So I have to find the way to be more. I CAN be more. I MUST be more. So much more than this skin bag which is filled with nothing but fear. I feel the possibilities are lurking just beneath the surface. Those possibilities of being something more.

I just have to take a deep breath, and reach out and grab them. Take those chances. Create my own life, my destiny. Just breathe in Ellyn. Breathe, and do it.

Breathing in… here I go…


Are you your own worst critic?? Do you ever feel like you are holding yourself back? Please leave me a comment below and let me know what you are grappling with right now…xxx

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